Week 49 postpartum: Mum guilt. New routine. Military life.

9/13/2018

Mum guilt: Feeling like absolute crap for actually not really doing anything wrong, but still feeling like crap and that you’re the worst mum ever but actually you’re doing a pretty good job and the best you can but you still feel crap but your baby thinks you’re a legend but you still feel a knot in your stomach and a tightness in your heart. So yeah, I've had major mum guilt this week. Rafe was a little bit upset when I dropped him off at nursery this week so was extra difficult to leave him but a few hours later, I got a photo and a text from the staff to say he had settled after a cuddles and was happy and playing. Then about 2pm I got a call saying Rafe was really unsettled, he had a bit of a cough (he has had a snotty nose for about a week) and they thought he had enough for the day. He hadn’t really eaten or had any milk and was being really clingy and didn’t want to be put down – the complete opposite of the week before. Luckily work is understanding so I was able to nip and get him and my dad was able to look after him for the rest of the afternoon. But when I walked in, he was just sat on someone’s knee and he looked quite upset and I just wanted to burst into tears. I felt so guilty. The nursery staff were reassuring and reminded me it was only his second session but it just doesn’t make it any easier. But to be honest, along with it just being his second day, I think it was a mixture of him being a bit under the weather and this is the first week in our new home so he has been quite unsettled – so some big changes all in one week. But still felt major hit you in the heart and face mum guilt. And you know what? I miss him. It’s been four weeks back at work and I miss him. Yes, it’s easier in the sense of I’ve got into a routine with being back at work and I feel less broken-hearted about the maternity leave chapter ending but I just miss those days and Rafe. I miss our 8-mile walks a day, I miss baby yoga, I miss after nap-time snuggles when he is all cuddly, I miss our little adventures, I just miss him. Being a mum is a bit of an emotional rollercoaster isn’t it?

It’s been a bit of a tough week this week. Put aside the mum guilt, it’s been a bit unsettling for both Rafe and I. Obviously moving into our new home has been amazing – it already feels like home. But Rafe has been waking quite a bit in the night (more so than normal) which is understandable but I look like a walking zombie and have a coffee on standby all day. It’s also been the first time I’ve been ‘alone’ for a while. Being a military wife, being on your own becomes the norm, I won’t say you get used to it, but you soon get into your own little routine. When they are away for months on end, you have good days and bad days but you just get on with it and count down the days till they are home. However, since Rafe has been born, I’ve never really been on my own. When we were living on the married patch in Arbroath (moved back to the North East when Rafe was 8 weeks), my husband was home most nights. And then when we moved back to Geordieland, we were back in with my parents, so although he went away, I always had company. There was always someone there to speak to, after I came down after bathing and feeding Rafe. I never really felt ‘lonely.’ But now it’s just me and the dog. Who I love, but the conversation is a bit one-sided. So that’s been strange – and there have been a few tears. So I have to get into a routine of it just being me, Rafe and Yankee. Obviously the grandparents are on hand whenever I need them and my mum has been popping in after work on the days she doesn't have Rafe. Just going to take a bit of time to get back into the good old military life of talking to the dog, watching a good box set, living off cereal and oh – looking after a baby too. Wish me luck...

Getting used to not sleeping in the same room together is causing sleepless nights for the both of us. I’m so used to him being next to me in his cot and hearing him wriggle around. It was also so easy in the night to bring him next to me to feed on the bed, then straight back into his cot. When I'm bleary eyed at 2am and have to sit on a chair in his nursery, it feels like an epic. But again, just take time to get used to it. And he won’t be feeding through the night much longer will he?!!!

Friday night was on a whole different level of horrendous. I think it was teething but he would not be put down for hours and hours. I ended up sleeping on the floor in the nursery which was fun. Felt sorry for the poor guy but equally just wanted him to go to sleep.

Rafe’s still a bit of a fuss pot when it comes to food. I mean he will eat snacky finger food until the cows come home but actual meals can still be a bit hit or miss. Unless its lentils or soup randomly! We’ve been doing a mix of mashed food and finger food since I started weaning but have been introducing much more baby-led/textures for a while now but a lot of the time he throws the food on the floor (which the dog loves). Any go-to-recipes I can try for a bit of a fussy eater? Also, what do you all do for lunch? I've been giving him 'proper' meals but I don't know whether to start giving him more snacky lunches - soup and sandwiches etc? He likes laughing cow and banana - any other suggestions for fillings?

After googling ‘best routines for (insert month) since day one, I was shocked to find that there wasn’t a lot of routines out there for one-year-olds. WHAT? I just don’t know whether to drop one of his milk feeds during the day now – and just have a snack? And when he turns one and can have cow’s milk – do I give him that during the day, rather than formula? (I’ll still be breastfeeding morning feed and night – but again, don’t know whether to stop breastfeeding - AHHHHH) I’m basically fucking confused again. Also I read a comment on another mum’s insta page about cow’s milk being bad – and sheep’s milk was better and now I’m like WHAT THE FUCK? I had and still have cow’s milk and I’m okay. Please don't confuse me anymore. I already need to worry about salt content, whether I actually need to make my own jam…and 50,000 other things, I can’t add milk to the list. So yeah, help again please!

I’ve got most of Rafe’s birthday presents and cake sorted. I still just can’t believe he is almost one. Those who have followed my blog for a while and have baby’s a similar age – it would be lovely if you could send me a photo of your little one on their birthday. I feel like we have got through this year together so I thank you all.

Till next time...

Faye x

12 Comments

Justine

9/16/2018 01:01:10 am

Oh hun, feel your pain on so many levels!!! I absolutely hated weaning, especially in the beginning when I didn't know what he liked and he hasn't quite grasped the concept of CHEWING so would end up vomming more than he consumed..talk about stressful!

As for his food now, he's still on snacky stuff really and seems to be doing fine with it (turns one at end of Sept). On the days he's at nursery he'll have a hot meal that they provide but at home it's banana/toast/pombears/yoghurt/cucumber/the odd cream cheese sarnie all the way! In the evenings I'll try and give him what we're having for tea, especially things like shepherd's pie (mash is a big hit) and he seems content enough with that.

Sleeping through the night (for the most part) started after he'd cut his first tooth (before that was waking every 1.5hrs, hello zombie mum!) and once he was eating more regularly.... so if in doubt just plough the food into him and hope for the best lol!

Don't want to take up all the space in your comments so will leave it there but would love to chat over email if you ever want to - in the meantime big hugs to you from another mama who can't believe she nearly has a 1 year old xxx

Faye

9/20/2018 07:09:53 am

I am so sorry for the late reply, I normally get notifications is someone has left me a comment but my website is obviously just as exhausted as me right now!!!

Thank you so much for your comment. Actually makes me feel a million times better. I thought I had enough to worry about - then weaning came along and it's just a constant worry about whether he is eating enough or too much...! I'm just going to keep trying - and like you say, keep ploughing the food in his mouth!! Would love to chat to a fellow mum going through the same - so if you go to my contact page and add your details (all private) I'll get your email. :-) xxx

Ruth gibbins

9/16/2018 01:52:57 am

For lunch time ashton will have a mixture of sandwiches but only with dairylea or butter, if i give any other filling he looks at me like ive gone loopy! We also give him omlettes with cheese and ham or tomatoes in and scrambled eggs with spaghetti hoops or just good old dairylea on toast! I feel they like to keep us on our toes as some weeks Ashton will act like he has never tried the food in front of him and refuse to eat and the next week it seems to be his favourite! Tea time he is a lover of shepherds pie, i bulk it out with as many veggies as possible and my other go to tea is good old spag bol!
Mum guilt is going strong here too, week two in work and a child bit him at the nursery so in my head it went from being a bite to a missing limb and there were tears from me all night as to why id put my child into such a feral atmosphere 🙈 im actually crazy and the pre pregnant me knows that stuff like this is going to happen to and from Ashton but mum me feels like ive put him in the firing line... its all fun and games ay 😂 xxx

9/20/2018 07:13:40 am

I am so sorry for the late reply, I normally get notifications is someone has left me a comment!

Oh the mum guilt is real. And I would have totally reacted like you did. Although you know these things will happen, it doesn't make it any easier. I hope he's okay! They are tough little cookies. Hope he's had a good week at nursery this week and you're feeling less mum guilt.

Thanks for the advice re. food. He seems to like laughing cow but going to try an omlette over the weekend - fingers crossed! xxx

Alice

9/16/2018 02:16:59 am

I think the key with food is not too stress to much about how much they eat. Easier said than done I know! Some days they pack it away, other days they just nibble. My 14 month old just ate fruit the other day and refused anything else all day. The next day she had more mashed potato, Yorkshire puddings and sausages than it seemed possible to fit in her stomach! It is the same in the toddler years when they will often only eat a handful of things but it’s best to keep giving them a range and eventually they come out the other side. At one point my now 4 year old only ate fruit, rice, salami and prawns but she now eats and try’s all sorts.

Once they hit one it is good to try and cut the milk down if you can as it does fill them up so they are less likely to want food. I started substituting food for milk with my second but like all these things it’s best to go with you instincts and there is no right way.

9/20/2018 07:25:11 am

So sorry for late reply, I normally can see straight away if someone leaves a comment!

Thanks for all your advice and reassurance re. food. He's starting to be less fussy about his morning milk so think I'm going to try and get rid of that next week and just have a snack and hopefully he will start eating a bit more 'proper' food rather than snacks! But it's good to know that it's totally normal for fussiness - at whatever age. So thank you! xx

Fay

9/16/2018 02:46:27 am

Hello,

William will be one on 9th October. He's a good eater at the moment but does have his days of only wanting yoghurt.

He is has always been breast fed on demand and that has gone to normally just first thing in the morning, around 5:30 pm and again 6:30 pm. He sometimes wants some at around lunch but happily goes without when I'm at work. He had stopped asking/was refusing milk during the day before I went to work so that was reassuring and helpful from him!

He doesn't have too many snack things anymore rather just 3 meals of finger food and the spoon meal. So his breakfast is cereal, blueberries (he will eat the whole packet if allowed, but I normally give him about 5), two or three rasberries and a yoghurt. Similar size for lunch and again for dinner. The main part won't be the only thing offered. So spag bol with bread sticks and maybe cheese for him to pick.

He might have the rest of the milk from the cereal as a drink (cows milk). And he is offered cows milk from an open cup during the day and has sips of that but he mainly drinks water.

So to cut a long story short: I wouldn't worry about the milk too much as long as he's being offered the breast when you arnt at work and he can self regulate on how much he wants there. You might see him eating more at meals and wanting less of his formula too soon. They say food is fun until one, so try not to worry too much about how much he's eating.

Xfayx

9/20/2018 07:16:29 am

I am so sorry for the late reply, I normally get notifications is someone has left me a comment!

Thank you so much for all your advice re. food. I think, as always, I just need to worry less. He isn't refusing food - and likes what he likes - so will just keep persevering! And in the meantime, the dog is just getting fat from all the food going on the floor....xxx

Emma

9/16/2018 11:42:03 pm

I feel your pain completely!! Who knew that mom guilt was a real thing, especially when it comes to things that pre baby you wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at!! My boy doesn’t go to nursery yet, he’s 11 months but I somehow don’t have the balls to take him. Clingy mum over here. I get mom guilt just leaving him with his dad and nonna on my days that I go to work!! As soon as I walk out the door I miss him, always requesting his daddy sends me regular updates to get me through the day!

Food is always a fun topic with Oscar. One minute he loves something and devours ridiculous amounts of anything and everything, the next I can’t get him to eat anything other than toast or yoghurt. I’ve found pasta a good finger food, with butter or pesto or cheese... whatever floats his boat really. Needless to say what he doesn’t eat gets thrown on the floor for the dog!

Thanks for always reminding me that I’m not the only one 👍💪👏 Emma and Oscar

9/20/2018 07:19:38 am

I am so sorry for the late reply Emma, I normally get notifications is someone has left me a comment. Blinking technology!

My dog is getting so fat from all the food going on the floor...! Just going to keep persevering with new foods and hopefully he will stop being such a fuss pot. The first time he had pasta - he loved it. Now he looks at me like I'm feeding him poo. But will keep trying haha!

And I'm with you on the missing him part. I make everyone send me messages all day with photos. It's so hard isn't it?! xx

Rachael

9/17/2018 07:16:56 am

Your blog is great! It always makes me feel reassured that I’m not the only one in this position! My little girl will be 1 on October 9th and has just started nursery too. So far she’s enjoying it but there’s still the guilt of leaving her all day!
I’ve been wondering what to do about milk too and how to move on to cows milk, another change to get used to!!
We did BLW as she refused anything off a spoon (still does!). For lunch she usually has a wee sandwich with cheese or ham or tuna. She also really likes puff pastry pinwheels which are really simple to make and loads of variations on Pinterest, they make a good alternative to usual finger foods.
Hope you have a great week, you’re doing an amazing job!!

9/20/2018 07:22:33 am

Thank you Rachael! So sorry for late reply, I normally can see straight away if someone leaves a comment.

Puff pastry pinwheels sound amazing. Will try them - fingers crossed! Quite a few people on my Facebook page have reassured me about cow's milk - and to basically introduce it gradually. He has it on cereal so hopefully he will be fine to drink it. Will tackle it when he's one! (Where has this year gone?!) xx

Week 49 postpartum: Mum guilt. New routine. Military life.

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