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Week 46 postpartum: First week back at work. Send coffee. It will be alright.

8/24/2018

3 Comments

 
So we survived my first week back at work. But there were tears. (All from me). I cried all day Sunday. I cried during the whole of the 'last maternity leave walk' to get Rafe to nap (he had 30 minutes). I cried when putting him to bed. I then cried in the shower on Monday morning. I cried when I got photos throughout the day from my husband of Rafe having fun. And photos of him on Tuesday at baby yoga – a class I loved. I cried when he didn’t react overjoyed to see me after my first day. (Though he made up for the next day by jumping up and down and squealing – I hope with joy). So, yeah pretty emotional still. Though honestly – it has been okay, (despite the tears) it was not as bad as I imagined. But I do think it was never about going back at work. It was more that maternity leave had ended. Someone messaged me and said it was the 'end of a chapter' and I think that sums it up so well. I’m sad because our little time together is over. Although we will have so many more memories to come. The months after you have your baby are the most intense of your life – good and bad. You feel the strongest emotions you have ever felt – whether that be pure, unconditional love – or genuine deep-seated rage at your husband snoring. You are in this little bubble with your baby, learning about each other, changing together, every step of the way. And you go through some very tough times (cluster feeding, sleep regressions, exhaustion to name but a few) but you experience some of the best moments of your life. It’s the time when you truly bond and it’s a time you’ll never experience quite like it again – it’s so special. And I think that’s why I’ve been so upset - and still am quite emotional but I hopefully won’t be ugly crying for too long. Just maybe a few more weeks...Like many people have said – it’s just about getting used to the new norm. And treasuring the days off and weekends. The little moments - our before bed breastfeed is my favourite. Just my little pal and me again. And seeing Rafe’s face at the end of the day is pretty special. And you don’t have to think or worry about naps! And you get to have hot cups of coffee! And adult conversations. And to be honest, it’s been good to use my brain again. So to everyone as emotional as me about going back to work – you will be okay. And so will baby. Rafe does not seem phased at all. And it’s good for him to have quality time with his grandparents - and nursery, when he starts in a couple of weeks will be great for him. It’s not as bad as you think it is going to be. I promise. I know it's only week 1 - but it can only get easier right? And you’re not alone – we can all ugly cry and eventually enjoy a hot cuppa together. But this little chapter has been pretty amazing hasn't it?
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​So Rafe’s been sleeping amazing since being back at work. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Not a chance. Sunday night he was up loads – which was ideal. Send coffee. It’s just been hit or miss whether he’s slept okay – randomly on Wednesday he slept all the way through. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. And wait for it – so did I!!!!! The last two times he did this I kept waking up but I think I must have had about 8 hours which I can’t remember when that last happened – maybe about a year and a half ago? It was flipping marvellous. I felt like conquering Everest the next day. Though the next few nights have been rough. He just doesn't seem to want to be put down. He’s teething and just being a bit of a whinge pants – though this leap has two more days left so maybe he’s going to be a dream sleeper after that?....
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Rafe had a 6-month check at the Freeman Hospital to see how his little heart is this week. I was a little worried he was going to be pulling all the wires off him and not wanting to be poked and prodded but he was an actual legend. And the doctor is happy. He’s obviously putting on weight (have you seen those knees?!) and thriving. The hole has got a teeny bit smaller – though still quite big, but the doctor said it is not causing him any issues – and is in a ‘safe place’. So it’s still not dangerous. Just need to keep an eye on him and will be back in 6-months. Hopefully they may never need to intervene – but I’m naturally always going to worry. But it was a relief – and all the nurses and other people in the hospital kept giving him lots of attention so he was in his element!
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When did you stop breastfeeding? I always had in my head that I would breastfeed for 6-months and through those early weeks of really struggling, this deadline kept me going. I never thought I’d still be breastfeeding this long (though had to replace two feeds with formula since back to work) – and also actually have grown to really love it. Especially now – I love our little morning feed, his super sleepy feed before bed and even the night feed. I kind of have in my head that I will stop when he is one – but that’s actually only a few weeks away and I don't feel ready - and Rafe isn't showing any signs of wanting to self-wean. I’m not going to be like the Little Britain sketch (bitty!), though not judging anyone who continues to breastfeed as long as they want – I just don’t know when to stop and if I actually want to. I know they say up until babies are one – breastmilk (or formula) is their main source of nutrition, so seems like the natural place to stop but I just don’t know. Advice?!
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We get the keys to our new house next week – hurrah!! Though going back to work, maternity leave ending and moving into a new house all within a couple of weeks is a teeny little bit stressful and I may need to eyeball vodka at some point. But exciting times ahead.
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Rafe's first, very, very wobbly steps were a one off I think - he's started just hopping like a kangeroo so don't think he'll be on his feet anytime soon. Though not rushing it! Still just rolling and a few little commando crawls but know he will just do it when he's ready.

So yeah, a lot going on this week! Thank you so much for everyone’s comments and messages on my last post. As always, it’s so good to know I’m not alone. Raising a glass of wine to you all.


Faye x

P.s Thinking of first birthday presents (how has this happened?!) and quite want to get Rafe a teepee play tent - any recommendations? Ta!
3 Comments
Jo
8/26/2018 02:14:38 am

Hi Faye,

I read your blog every week as our babies are only a couple of weeks different in age and I’m often struck by how similar our experiences are. But this week you have well and truely hit it on the head with the section about going back to work. I start tomorrow and have been so emotional about every little thing my husband thinks that I’m actually going mad (You do know you’re still going to see him again right?) I’m going to show him your blog to help me explain how I’m feeling to him - the end of a chapter that has been the most amazing part of my life sums it up perfectly. I didn’t know I could feel emotions so intensely until I had Zack - I feel like a little piece of my heart is toddling (almost) around outside of my body.

Please keep going with your blogs - I love them.

Jo

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Faye
8/26/2018 10:22:55 am

Thank you Jo. Means so much to hear from other mums going through the same emotions - makes me feel less alone and is so reassuring. I know what you mean about 'you're still going to see him' my dad said exactly the same. I guess only we understand how hard it actually is - and the reason why it's so hard. Love the 'heart toddling outside' - you put it beautifully there.

You'll be okay tomorrow. It's going to be hard - think I'll find it tough for a while. But everyday gets easier. And honestly - when you get home tomorrow after work - you'll have the best person in the world to greet you. Good luck - you've got this. X

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Ashleigh
8/26/2018 02:54:55 pm

Hi,
I think i will be ugly crying forever! i love the being in a bubble comment! This definitley is one of the reasons im still breastfeeding and working. those moments. and the cuddles - even though self soothing is an issue , i cant help myself!. I was curious as to whether you still express during the day or is your supply okay? i worry about "drying up" if i dont but when he turns one i plan to try not feed him during the day as i know hes fine without as he doesnt take any when im working - health.visitor has reasurred me its fine aslong as he has a few feeds when im there and having yoghurt/cheese ect. you can get so wrapped up in what they are meant to have when they are probably getting more than enough, definitley started the day he was born, couldnt go over a minute past the 4 hour mark for feedings! Thankyou! i love your blogs!

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    Royal Marine Wife. Mum to Rafe.

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