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Week 25 postpartum: A letter to my pregnant self

3/31/2018

23 Comments

 
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Dear Faye,

Batten down the hatches. You're in for a bumpy ride pet. Try and get your sleep in now because you will never sleep again. And you think you're exhausted now and walking around like John Wayne - but wait until you've pushed a 8Ib 1oz baby boy out of your vagina who decided to come out with his fists on his face. Yes it does feel like you're vagina is on fire. And yes you will shit yourself but the midwife will keep saying you haven't, yet you can see your husband looking at you with a slightly traumatised look as if to say: "I've just seen my wife shit herself". But he will be amazing and you wouldn't have got through it all without him. It won't be the hypnobirthing experience you wanted - in fact it will be quite traumatic. It will be the natural birth you wanted though - but trust me, you wanted all the drugs at one point. But it will be okay. And when she hands you your baby - the baby you always knew deep down was a boy, you will be in shock. You won't feel the overwhelming feeling of love straight away. But God that will come. You'll look into his eyes and hold his tiny hand in yours and you have never felt love quite like it.
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The first six weeks your eyes will bleed with exhaustion. You will pass more blood than you ever thought possible and you pretty much wear a nappy. You will manage to have your first poo post-birth without needing an epidural. You will cry every day. You will mourn your old life. You will feel so lonely - especially during the night feeds in the darkness while tying to get him to latch on. You will hate breastfeeding to start with. You will struggle. You will be up day and night feeding your little one and it will be exhausting. Cluster feeding will almost end you. But you will be so glad you persevered. You will hate your husband while he sleeps next to you. Your nipples will hurt. You will really struggle for weeks and people will tell you it gets easier - and it will. So much so you actually start to love breastfeeding. And you're still doing it now. Though you really need a night off. Just you and tequila and dancing, lots and lots of dancing. Oh. And sleep.

You'll go through a really tough time early on when your little boy is in hospital and you find out he has a poorly heart. But he will be okay. He's a fighter.
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The loneliness in the early days are hard. The days turn into nights and it's just days of feeding and changing, feeding and changing. The monotony is mind-numbing. And once the cards and the flowers have dried up, people will forget about you. Everyone else can get on with their lives as they always have - but you can't. Things are very different for you. But when he smiles for the first time - all will be right in the world.

Hate to say it love - but you ain't no yummy mummy. You will look like the bird lady from Home Alone 2 most days and you don't brush your hair much. Or shave your legs. Or wear make-up. Your maternity leggings are your best friend and your statement: "I'm going to be so healthy", couldn't be further from the truth. You will live in the biscuit tin.
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Just when you think things are getting easier - you will discover wonder weeks. And the four month sleep regression will HAVE YOUR LIFE. It's emotional. It's soul destroying. You will find yourself crying at 4am again. But like everything - it doesn't last forever. Though it feels like it at the time.

You will stress the fuck out about routine - and naps. Naps are your kryptonite. But just calm down. If the routine goes out the window - just take a deep breath and get another biscuit. And naps - well you're still figuring that one out. You'll download sleep programmes. You'll be the google queen. You will 100% be making a rod for your own back by walking miles everyday to get him to sleep. You'll get rage at wheelie bins. Cars parked on the kerb. Your dog who keeps walking into the pram. Other people in general.
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You will get rage at your husband. For no reason, sometimes simply because he decides to eat a banana on the kitchen table. And when he snores. Oh when he snores. And although you said: "let's not let a baby change our relationship." It will. You'll be so consumed with your baby - sometimes you will forget about your husband, and others - and yourself. But be kind to him. It's not his fault he hasn't got milk in his nipples or hormones that make you go from 0-100 from being so happy, to so sad, to rage - to laughing hysterically. Go on that date night. Even if it's just for an hour. You both need it.

It's okay not to be okay somedays.

Don't be scared to ask for help.

We are all winging it.
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Your son's first laugh will fill you with so much joy that your heart will stop. You will watch him grow in amazement. Even though people will tell you to treasure him when he's so small - you won't do it as much as you wish you'd had as those early days are a daze. In fact you can't remember much from those early days. But you still treasure those nighttime cuddles when he's not trying to pull your hair. When he simply lies on your chest. Just you and him. Nobody else.

Look after yourself. Pluck those bloody eyebrows. Laugh a bit more. Your son loves it when you laugh. So does your husband. Just stress less. You're doing okay. Your little boy thinks you're a legend. You're his world. You're his mum.
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Treasure every moment because you will blink and he won't want to hold his mum's hand anymore. So hold him tight. Even when it's 3am and you physically don't think you can get through another sleepless night. When you can't lift your head off the pillow. You can. One day you'll miss those nights.

Sign up to some baby classes but not too early on - just when you're ready. But don't compare yourself to other mum's. Just because Fiona can do a lotus pose while breastfeeding and looks like a goddess, doesn't make you a bad mum. Don't be so bloody hard on yourself.
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It's fucking hard pet. But it's worth it. Just need to put your big girl pants on (metophorically and physically), get the coffee stocked, fill up the biscuit tin and take each day as it comes.

At least you'll be prepared for the next one. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Faye x
23 Comments
Sophie
4/1/2018 05:35:58 am

I just want to say that I adore your blog; it actually frightens me how you manage to capture exactly what I am feeling week by week! Especially the bits about sleeping- we seem to measure how “good” a baby is by whether they sleep through or not- well, if that’s true, mine is the baddest baby around! And this week’s one has made cry because I am pretty much at my lowest at the moment, and what you have said has reminded me that it will all be ok. I write this as my little one is on my chest, having refused all sleep whilst hubby and I have horrendous sickness bugs, so we had to take him to the swings to fall asleep (I’ve got a million rods for my own back!) So really, truly, thank you xx

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Faye
4/1/2018 10:52:18 am

Thank you Sophie. ❤️ Means so much to read comments like this.

I am still losing my shit over naps - Rafe is just refusing to sleep anywhere but the pram (huge rod!) and even then it's still 30 minutes. ? You sound like you're having an awful week. ? Hope you both feel better soon and you manage to get some rest xxx

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Chrisanne
4/1/2018 06:42:04 am

Haha, I could have written this! Every week I amazed at how much you describe my exact thoughts. You are doing an amazing job. Desperate for that biscuit tin but been on a milk free diet for the last 3 weeks! Dreaming of chocolate and cheese! My baby girl has had horrendous reflux, stomach pains and rashes, so suspecting a milk allergy. She is doing so well now. I, like you, have come so far with breastfeeding but this might see me off! Keep writing these posts. They make me laugh and sometimes cry! xx

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Lisa
4/1/2018 08:31:25 am

Bourbons and Oreos. Get some immediately. And tesco do dairy free rocky road. This is my diet 😊

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Faye
4/1/2018 10:56:58 am

Lisa - my diet sounds very similar!!

Chrisanne
4/3/2018 12:50:53 am

Thank you! Didn’t realise I could eat these. I am off shopping today! xx

Faye
4/1/2018 10:56:09 am

Thank you ❤️ And you are going an amazing job powering through without biscuits! You deserve a medal! Oh god - just thought you won't have been able to have any Easter eggs. You deffo deserve a medal! xxx

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Chrisanne
4/3/2018 12:53:54 am

Thank you.😀 No Easter eggs was definitely hard! 😩🙈xx

Anna
4/1/2018 11:52:03 am

Tesco Bakewell tarts & Sainsburys jaffa cakes are also dairy free. Check out the treat list on the blog dillanandme. It really helped me. I'm 9 weeks dairy free as also breast feeding a dairy intolerant baby but couldn't survive without all the biscuits. Good luck. Xx

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Chrisanne
4/3/2018 12:56:11 am

Thank you, i’ll get on it! 😋🍰🥧🍪🍩xx

Chaleigh
4/1/2018 07:43:04 am

Hi, just wanted to say I really enjoy reading your blog every week. My son is the exact same age as yours so it’s nice to read about something I can relate to. Xx

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Faye
4/1/2018 10:57:43 am

Thank you Chaleigh ❤️ xx

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Aimee
4/2/2018 12:53:57 pm

I just wanted to tell you how much I love your blog. It is like reading a mirror version of my life at the moment! I can’t tell you how much I can relate to everything you say, It makes my three hourly breastfeeds through the night a lot easier and makes me realise it isn’t just me, even though I’m surrounded by mums whose babies ‘sleep right through since 6 weeks’ I spend my days waking aimlessly trying to get my little girl to nap, or driving round and round and then she wakes as soon as I turn the ignition off. But I wouldn’t change these days for the world, she is my everything and your blogs bring a bit of sunshine to each week. I think you’re doing amazingly. Xxx

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Fste
4/2/2018 06:09:57 pm

Thank you Aimee. ❤️ Means so much to get feedback like this - it's also great for me to know I'm not the only one stressing out about things - in particular bloody naps. ? xx

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Faye
4/3/2018 01:40:24 am

As you can see I wrote this at stupid o'clock in the morning and can't quite spell my name!!! ?? Currently been trying to get Rafe to nap in his cot for 45 minutes. Hope you have more success today! xxx

Kate
4/2/2018 01:03:44 pm

I just want to say a big thank you for writing your blog. My son is 24 weeks this week and his sleeping habits are exactly how you describe. I’ve spent a significant amount of time blaming myself for his sleeping, or lack thereof, confident of the fact that I must’ve done something wrong somewhere along the line but reading your blog makes me doubt this doubt and gives me a renewed confidence is myself and in the belief that this is all just a phase (my mantra since my son was born!!). Thank you again and I look forward to reading next weeks instalment.

P.s if you do ever crack naptime then please please please let me know how!

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Faye
4/2/2018 06:19:09 pm

Thank you Kate ❤️. And if I ever crack naps I will be shouting from the roof tops!! You're definitely not alone - and you're definitely not doing anything wrong. One day I'm sure we will look back on this phase and not believe they only napped for 30 minutes....???Good luck!! xx

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Zoe
4/7/2018 11:44:13 am

This blog post sums it up so completely! I wish I had read it a year ago.. a few weeks before going into labour! But you know what, I somehow don’t think I would have believed it. It’s so hard not to compare yourself to others sometimes and I hope new mums read this and take a sigh of relief.


On the subject of naps. My little one is almost a year and FINALLY takes a long afternoon nap - sometimes 2 hours! (I know!!) I never thought it possible, and was an obsessive pram pusher to achieve a nap - so hang on in there. The only problem is that now he simply will not sleep in the pram 🙈😂 You win some you lose some!

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Faye
4/10/2018 04:26:32 am

Thank you Zoe. ❤️

This message gives me hope!! I'm looking outside in the pouring rain and I just really can't be chewed to go out in the pram!! One day I'll be able to put my feet up while Rafe naps...?x

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Laurinda
4/10/2018 01:55:39 pm

Love this, Faye! Could have written it myself. It’s so true. I, too, vowed to be a healthy yummy mummy - que tangled hair, no make up and a mountain of chocolate cake (warmed in the microwave and served with cream 😋) Thanks for keeping it real! Xx

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Faye
4/13/2018 01:45:13 am

Thank you ? So glad it's not just me surviving on biscuits and chocolate!! xx

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Aimee
4/13/2018 08:38:53 am

I’ve just stumbled across your blog whilst my 3.5ye old snuggles up with his high temp and my 12wk old boy is going between smiling and grumbling. You are so accurate in every sense. I found the 2nd time harde in some respects and was not prepared for the whirlwind. We had loads of support the first time round and I naively felt I would have this ‘on lock’. I love your blog! Thank you and I hope the naps get easier...both these boys are giving me a run for my money with naps so I feel your pain. But I wouldn’t change a thing...maybe just some sleep would be nice!

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Faye
4/14/2018 09:50:20 am

Sleep would be wonderful!!! So good to know naps get better - there is light at the end of the tunnel! ? x

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    Royal Marine Wife. Mum to Rafe.

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