So it's been a mixture of high and lows this week. My first Mother's Day - high! Mastitis - low. I thought and I hoped I might skip the dreaded M word but it hit me like I train this week. To be honest, I knew it was coming. For the past couple of weeks I've had swollen breast tissue in my armpit and blocked ducts - and intermittent pain - but have been able to massage and use heat to get the blocked ducts out. But on Tuesday the pain was horrendous and I noticed red marks on both my breasts. The pain seemed to go right through my boobs and into my back so it was joyful day. My boobs also felt on fire. I managed to get to the doctors that day and I'm on antibiotics. (Hilarity ensued when I told the receptionist why I need to be seen ASAP and she said I could just go to the pharmacist which I kept questioning as I thought that can't be right. Rang the pharmacist who reassured what I knew already - I had to see a doctor. Rang back and turns out she thought I said cystitis. No love. 🙈) I'm having to nurse as much as I can - and express to make sure my boobs are empty. As well as behaving like a woman possessed to get the blocked milk ducts out. Heat, cold, dangle feeding (I tried this before and it just feels RIDICULOUS), cabbage in breasts - and making sure he is properly latched on. I think it's because he's been so fussy and distracted for over a month - constantly on and off my boobs. He mustn't be properly draining them. It's so hard because I think he's finished after he's refusing the boob - then five minutes later it's like he wants feeding again. With the wonderful four month sleep regression he has been feeding more so my milk supply is all over the place. It's the first time since those early days of breastfeeding where I really have had moments of wanting to give it up. The pain of mastitis. The need to just have a break. And with Rafe only feeding like a dream during the night, it's a struggle to get him to feed well during the day - it's just exhausting to be honest. And not enjoyable. Honestly - I actually quite dislike breastfeeding at the moment. I know giving up now would be the worst thing to do at the moment as need to nurse as much as I can to try and get rid if this mastitis. I'm sure I'll feel different once I'm better though. I've had to put a pause on trying him with the bottle as I just need to breastfeed. And the last few times he just hasn't been a fan. It's not like he's crying but it's like he doesn't know what he's doing again - and the milk keeps going everywhere. 🙈 Will keep persevering though. Thank you to everyone who commented and got in touch after my last post about losing my shit over naps. I feel better that the majority of us are also losing our shit over naps - it's not just me. Rafe seems to now only like napping in the pram. The last time I tried in the house he was a joy to behold and screamed for most of the time I tried to put him down. But I'm reassured this phase will end (PLEASE) soon, especially after someone shared this article with me. https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2013/08/29/help-my-4-5-month-old-is-sleeping-like-a-newborn-again-aka-as-the-4-5-month-old-babies-from-hell/ It literally made my life reading it. I'm just exhausted at trying to get him to sleep any longer than 30 minutes - and if he does (which he has a couple of times in the pram - 🙌) then Amen - if he doesn't, I'm not going to have a nervous fucking breakdown over it. Well I'll try…. Rafe has been having a few longer stretches in the night again. One night he went from 6.30pm to 12.30am before waking for a feed!!! But it's hit and miss. The following night it was 10, 1, 4...but I noticed at the 10pm feed and the 4am feed, he wasn't proper feeding. Like he wasn't really hungry. Just little nibbles. Which I think has been causing me problems with my milk supply as he wasn't really eating a lot of the times through the night. So the following night, he woke up between 9 and 10. Rather than pick him up and straight on my boob, I let him cry it out a little. I thought if he keeps crying and not settling, he must still be hungry. But after about 10 minutes of being put down, and having a little whimper and wriggling around - he managed to soothe himself to sleep. He woke up about 12.30am after that. And fed really well on both boobs. So I know earlier he just wanted a bit of a cuddle, rather than a feed. He woke again 3ish and I tried the same thing but Rafe wouldn't settle and he had another feed. But I can handle two feeds a night - anything is better than seeing every hour on the clock. That was some good times. When I was fully in the midst of the four month sleep regression, I never thought we would get back to six hour stretches and two feeds a night so it's been a pretty momentous week. So for anyone still thick in the shit of it - I promise you it does get better. We had four bad weeks of rough nights but I think (and hope) we are over the worst of it. Sending coffee and wine to all those who are still living off caffeine and hope. There's light at the end of the tunnel. Just need to crack naps....HAHAHAHAHAHA. As it's my first Mother's Day, it got me thinking about how it feels to be a mum. I remember my mother-in-law asking that very question after I'd just had Rafe. I remember sitting on my rubber ring, in a state of shock and thinking I have no idea. Am I a mum? How do I feel? What have I done? And I don't think I can quite put it into words now. I didn't think I could possibly love someone as much as I love my baby boy. Holding him in my arms for the first time is a memory I will never forget. This tiny, almost purple little treasure, covered in blood, screaming his lungs out, his tiny fingers in mine. The day I became a mum. So I thought I'd write a poem to try and put it into words, I'm no Keats - and it took me a while to realise not many words rhyme I AM SO TIRED, but here we go.... From the first kicks, To the explosive shits. You had me at hello. From the midnight tears, To the first poo fears, You had me at hello. From the first smiles To the suspected piles, You had me at hello. From those perfect first laughs, To losing my shit over naps, You had me at hello. From the nighttime cuddles, To our morning snuggles, You had me at hello. You had me from that first hello, When she placed you on my chest, And I held your tiny fingers - a hello I'll never forget, I promise I'll hold your hand, As long as you won't let go, I loved you my baby boy, from our very first hello. And finally, I just want to say Happy Mother's Day to you all. I feel so incredibly lucky to be a Mum and I think we are all doing an amazing job – so never forget that, even when you are crying in the corner of the room over naps and pure exhaustion.
In honour of Mother's Day - would love to see some photos of you and you little – or big ones! Here's an unfiltered (there's no filter to get rid of those bags or catipillar eyebrows 🙈) one of Rafe and I - capturing a heart warming moment. 😂 My reality of being a mum. I never forget how lucky I am though. Even if he shits all over my duvet. Faye x
8 Comments
Kat
3/11/2018 03:12:03 am
This is all too relatable and I feel your pain. I had mastitis twice within the 1st month of my baby being born. It ruins the whole breastfeeding experience, but it will get better and you will start to enjoy it again once you're better I'm sure! My advice- if the antibiotics haven't worked after a week, ask for your milk to be tested to make sure you're on the right antibiotics. The 2nd time I had it I wasn't on the right ones and after 4 weeks ended up having surgery to drain the abscess that had developed. My baby's 20 weeks now though and we're out the other side and enjoying breastfeeding again, I just wish she'd sleep.
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Faye
3/11/2018 05:17:28 pm
Yeah, just not enjoying it at all. ? But good to know there's light at the end of the tunnel! Think I will have to go back to the doctors as just not cleaning up so will ask about my milk. Thank you! Hope you had a lovely Mother's Day xx
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Danielle
3/12/2018 03:18:20 pm
Honestly don't worry so much about naps and what people advise they should be doing. My EBF little boy from 3 months would only nap for 30 mins at a time but he would have 4 of those through the day. I always kept his bedtime constant and from 3.5 months he was waking twice for feeds in the night (was sleeping through before that, sorry). He maintained those "catnaps" until only a few weeks ago (he's now 7 months old) when he started crawling and now he has 1 2hr nap and 1 1hr nap a day. The cat naps won't do them any damage and it will pass as he physically exhausts himself more. Even now we don't have exact times for his naps they are just rough times but follow the same routine. I found myself getting worked up about being home at a certain time for his 2pm nap and it just got silly, you can have a flexible routine. You've got this!! PS, with you on the mastitis, I got it on day 12 and was knocked sideways with it!! Hope you feel better soon xx
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Faye
3/14/2018 11:34:18 pm
Thank you Danielle! This gives me hope. ? Good to know there is light at the end of the tunnel!!! xxx
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Karen
3/14/2018 11:45:49 am
I love your little poem :) nothing beats that moment you get to see and hold your baby for he first time :) my boy won’t nap more than 30 mins either, I can set a watch by him! And night times are still much like yours, every hour or only a couple of wakes! Xxxxxxx
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Faye
3/14/2018 11:36:10 pm
Thank you Karen. ❤️ Good to know I'm not the only one with a little rascal who only loves to catnap! I've been reassured it does get better though. Good luck! xxx
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Ruth Harvey
3/16/2018 01:13:24 pm
Disaster naps will end ( and hopefully soon) we're just about the same , Iris was 10 October and literally this last week just started to nap beyond 30 minutes, 45 minutes in morning here and there, now 1 and a half hours !! She only did 30 mins to the second from December until now.... so if you'd asked me a few weeks ago I'd never have believed you. I did take to letting her sleeping in my arms for two weeks in the afternoon as she needed to sleep longer in the day, no idea whether it actually helped but was lovely to hold her and watch box sets and just watch her sometimes... started to transition the same timings to the cot and she's there... fingers crossed for you guys too! First time in 5 months I actually read a magazine article AND had lunch AND a hot cup of tea!! Xx
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Fsye
3/16/2018 09:52:37 pm
What?! Lunch and a cup of tea!! Sounds amazing!!! So good to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. ? At the moment, he seems to now only nap in the pram. ? Might give letting him sleep in my arms a go. ? disaster maps end soon!! xxx
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