Week 22 postpartum: Mastitis. First Mother's Day. Maternity leggings for life.

So it's been a mixture of high and lows this week. My first Mother's Day - high! Mastitis - low. I thought and I hoped I might skip the dreaded M word but it hit me like I train this week. To be honest, I knew it was coming. For the past couple of weeks I've had swollen breast tissue in my armpit and blocked ducts - and intermittent pain - but have been able to massage and use heat to get the blocked ducts out. But on Tuesday the pain was horrendous and I noticed red marks on both my breasts. The pain seemed to go right through my boobs and into my back so it was joyful day. My boobs also felt on fire. I managed to get to the doctors that day and I'm on antibiotics. (Hilarity ensued when I told the receptionist why I need to be seen ASAP and she said I could just go to the pharmacist which I kept questioning as I thought that can't be right. Rang the pharmacist who reassured what I knew already - I had to see a doctor. Rang back and turns out she thought I said cystitis. No love. 🙈) I'm having to nurse as much as I can - and express to make sure my boobs are empty. As well as behaving like a woman possessed to get the blocked milk ducts out. Heat, cold, dangle feeding (I tried this before and it just feels RIDICULOUS), cabbage in breasts - and making sure he is properly latched on. I think it's because he's been so fussy and distracted for over a month - constantly on and off my boobs. He mustn't be properly draining them. It's so hard because I think he's finished after he's refusing the boob - then five minutes later it's like he wants feeding again. With the wonderful four month sleep regression he has been feeding more so my milk supply is all over the place. It's the first time since those early days of breastfeeding where I really have had moments of wanting to give it up. The pain of mastitis. The need to just have a break. And with Rafe only feeding like a dream during the night, it's a struggle to get him to feed well during the day - it's just exhausting to be honest. And not enjoyable. Honestly - I actually quite dislike breastfeeding at the moment. I know giving up now would be the worst thing to do at the moment as need to nurse as much as I can to try and get rid if this mastitis. I'm sure I'll feel different once I'm better though. I've had to put a pause on trying him with the bottle as I just need to breastfeed. And the last few times he just hasn't been a fan. It's not like he's crying but it's like he doesn't know what he's doing again - and the milk keeps going everywhere. 🙈 Will keep persevering though.

Just me with cabbage leaves down my top.

Thank you to everyone who commented and got in touch after my last post about losing my shit over naps. I feel better that the majority of us are also losing our shit over naps - it's not just me. Rafe seems to now only like napping in the pram. The last time I tried in the house he was a joy to behold and screamed for most of the time I tried to put him down. But I'm reassured this phase will end (PLEASE) soon, especially after someone shared this article with me. https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2013/08/29/help-my-4-5-month-old-is-sleeping-like-a-newborn-again-aka-as-the-4-5-month-old-babies-from-hell/ It literally made my life reading it. I'm just exhausted at trying to get him to sleep any longer than 30 minutes - and if he does (which he has a couple of times in the pram - 🙌) then Amen - if he doesn't, I'm not going to have a nervous fucking breakdown over it. Well I'll try….

My little superhero. ❤️

Rafe has been having a few longer stretches in the night again. One night he went from 6.30pm to 12.30am before waking for a feed!!! But it's hit and miss. The following night it was 10, 1, 4...but I noticed at the 10pm feed and the 4am feed, he wasn't proper feeding. Like he wasn't really hungry. Just little nibbles. Which I think has been causing me problems with my milk supply as he wasn't really eating a lot of the times through the night. So the following night, he woke up between 9 and 10. Rather than pick him up and straight on my boob, I let him cry it out a little. I thought if he keeps crying and not settling, he must still be hungry. But after about 10 minutes of being put down, and having a little whimper and wriggling around - he managed to soothe himself to sleep. He woke up about 12.30am after that. And fed really well on both boobs. So I know earlier he just wanted a bit of a cuddle, rather than a feed. He woke again 3ish and I tried the same thing but Rafe wouldn't settle and he had another feed. But I can handle two feeds a night - anything is better than seeing every hour on the clock. That was some good times. When I was fully in the midst of the four month sleep regression, I never thought we would get back to six hour stretches and two feeds a night so it's been a pretty momentous week. So for anyone still thick in the shit of it - I promise you it does get better. We had four bad weeks of rough nights but I think (and hope) we are over the worst of it. Sending coffee and wine to all those who are still living off caffeine and hope. There's light at the end of the tunnel.

Just need to crack naps....HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Just after our first hello.

As it's my first Mother's Day, it got me thinking about how it feels to be a mum. I remember my mother-in-law asking that very question after I'd just had Rafe. I remember sitting on my rubber ring, in a state of shock and thinking I have no idea. Am I a mum? How do I feel? What have I done? And I don't think I can quite put it into words now. I didn't think I could possibly love someone as much as I love my baby boy. Holding him in my arms for the first time is a memory I will never forget. This tiny, almost purple little treasure, covered in blood, screaming his lungs out, his tiny fingers in mine. The day I became a mum. So I thought I'd write a poem to try and put it into words, I'm no Keats - and it took me a while to realise not many words rhyme I AM SO TIRED, but here we go....

From the first kicks,
To the explosive shits.
You had me at hello.

From the midnight tears,
To the first poo fears,
You had me at hello.

From the first smiles
To the suspected piles,
You had me at hello.

From those perfect first laughs,
To losing my shit over naps,
You had me at hello.

From the nighttime cuddles,
To our morning snuggles,
You had me at hello.

You had me from that first hello,
When she placed you on my chest,
And I held your tiny fingers - a hello I'll never forget,
I promise I'll hold your hand,
As long as you won't let go,
I loved you my baby boy, from our very first hello.

#mumlife

And finally, I just want to say Happy Mother's Day to you all. I feel so incredibly lucky to be a Mum and I think we are all doing an amazing job – so never forget that, even when you are crying in the corner of the room over naps and pure exhaustion.

In honour of Mother's Day - would love to see some photos of you and you little – or big ones! Here's an unfiltered (there's no filter to get rid of those bags or catipillar eyebrows 🙈) one of Rafe and I - capturing a heart warming moment. 😂 My reality of being a mum. I never forget how lucky I am though. Even if he shits all over my duvet.

Faye x