Week 21 postpartum: Bottle success. Nap disasters. I need a break.

Songs to sum up 21 weeks postpartum....

🎶 "Pressure. Will you ever sleep? Pressure. When I can't take a wee. Pressure. In case I wake you up. Pressure. Will you ever sleep? 🎶
🎶 "Every nap you take, every 30 minutes you wake, I'll be watching you." 🎶
🎶 "Tonight, I'm drinking from the bottle."🎶

Oh, and I don't know whether there is a song lyric I can change for losing my actual mind over naps and sleep routines - but I certainly have this week. So basically, for my own sanity - I have decided I need to calm the {insert appropriate word} down.

How is my baby five months?!!

So, basically this week, I have almost lost the plot over nap times, trying to enforce new sleep and feeding schedules, self-soothing and the four month fucking sleep regression. I knew I needed to have a word with myself when I had finally got Rafe back to sleep during his lunchtime nap by shushing him, praying and lying next to him on my bed. I was desperate for a wee and for one split second, I thought I was going to have to wet myself, rather than move and wake Rafe up. OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD - PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER WOMAN!!! I said to myself. Quietly of course. Then I went to the loo. And Rafe woke up. 😩 I have never felt this stressed out since those early breastfeeding weeks when I was really struggling. I'm just exhausted. The stress and constant googling about sleep schedules and worrying about how much he should be sleeping, has been on another level this week. I just got myself all upset (hormones, exhaustion, my personality) after I had tried to enforce a two hour nap (attempted the Little Ones programme this week) - which Rafe had taken 90 minutes to fall asleep for and then only slept for 30 minutes in the end. There were lots of tears. After talking to friends and other mums. And being locked in the house for a few days. (Snow and trying to enforce a new routine). I realised, without sounding overly dramatic. That this had become a bit of an unhealthy obsession. And it was getting me down. Which sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud - it's bloody naps!! But it's true. Hats off to people who have persevered with the Little Ones programme but I think I'm going to just take bits of it that work for us and then see where we are in a few weeks. He can self settle himself at bedtime - which is such an achievement. (Well, last night it took an hour - but he likes to keep me on my toes.) And touch wood - the hourly wake-ups seem to have stopped. But it's still hit and miss. One night he was up three times to feed - the other just one - and last night was horrendous 😩. Someone commented on my blog about the Little Ones programme and told me some advice she was given: "Aim for the ideal result, not for the perfect, it just makes you frustrated. Ideal is 80%, not 100%. Good is 50-60%. Let's admit it. Most adults don't sleep well 100% of nights." Which I think is great advice. Instead of thinking, what am I doing wrong? And crying over a nap that hasn't gone well. As I said, I've decided not to fully do the programme as I feel like we have an established feeding routine that he likes - and a bedtime routine that he really loves. And will continue to work on the naps - basically not be as strict as the programme - use it more for tips because it has helped. But will see where we are in a week or so. He's been napping his normal 30 minutes - but we've had a few 40 minutes - and an hour when I shushed him back to sleep and almost wet myself - so we are getting there. At the end of the day, all babies are different. And when I have been spending hours googling sleep schedules - none of them are the same!! Long morning naps, long lunch time naps, four catnaps across the day...it's fucking confusing. My friend's and other mums have been an amazing support. And my dad put it into context when he said how different my brother and I were (we are twins. My mum and dad deserve a medal). He said I'd take a long time to shush to sleep and as soon as they put me down, I'd be awake. (It's payback isn't it?!) And my brother was the opposite but he was a nightmare in the morning as would wake up with the slightest noise - whereas I liked snoozing in the morning. Rafe still needs help settling for naps and bedtime sometimes (still need to master walking away and putting him down - this terrifies me) but not going to lose my shit over it. I'm still going to be consistent with when I put him down if I can (after two hours) - as I think that's maybe why his bedtime routine works, but I'm not going to be sat in the house for weeks on end trying to enforce a two hour lunch nap if in the end - maybe he just doesn't need it - or may do it naturally one day (please). So, for all those other parents as neurotic as me about trying to sort out these bloody naps (I hope it's not just me!!) calm the fuck down!!! You know your baby. If they can fit to a certain planned sleep schedule – amazing. If they don’t – don’t contemplate pissing yourself to keep them asleep. We are all doing a pretty damn good job at this confusing, amazing, exhausting, incredible journey that is being a parent. Even Rafe seems less upset now I have calmed down. During one of the night feeds, he came off my boob and just stared up at me for a few seconds. I stroked his head and he looked at me as if to say: "We've got this Mum. It will be okay.” "Why aye son – we will be."

Ignore the clip of me - but I was a bit excited!!!

It’s not all been tears of exhaustion – we’ve had tears of joy too. Rafe finally took a bottle!!!!!!!!!!! We tried again when my husband was home. I wanted to try the minbie again and so I expressed before the 10am feed and I don’t know whether it is because the milk was its normal temperature from the boob – or because he just was hungrier than normal but he ended up taking 4oz, with both my husband and I trying. Which is a huge achievement as he used to get so upset and just let the teat lie in his mouth or spit it out. Although I did try again yesterday and he just seemed to have it everywhere but in his mouth! He did want it though as kept putting the bottle in his mouth but just wasn't getting his mouth properly latched/sealed on. (Fucking latch drama again 🙈) I'm going to express and take a bottle round to my friend's for her to give it a go so fingers crossed. She has two boys and I believe she is a superhero so if anyone can crack it again, it will be her! But it's probably just practice he needs. It is such a relief that he has taken one bottle with great success as I was worried he may never take a bottle. And it was never about giving up breastfeeding as soon as he took a bottle - it's just more so I can have a break. Breastfeeding has been such a rollercoaster of emotions for me. From struggling for it to click in the early days, to expressing like a crazy woman when Rafe was in hospital - to now, feeling so happy I persevered. Dare I say I actually enjoy it. I always said I wanted to get to six months breastfeeding - but I would really like to go on for longer. But at the same time, I feel like I'd quite like a break. It can feel relentless at times and I've said many times before, you feel like a cow. And because I still and don't think I will ever feel comfortable feeding in public (unless at a baby class), I feel quite tied down sometimes. I've been lucky to get a couple of three hour breaks in the evening so been for a meal or to my friends, so I'm not complaining - but wouldn't mind an afternoon where I could go shopping up to Newcastle on my own - or with Rafe, or meet friends at the pub, and not have to rush back to feed - and even go to the gym. Or just a solid four/five hour alone time. Just me. So - I've been potentially thinking of starting to combi feed - so just introduce one bottle a day. Happy to express - but I was also thinking of trying to bring the odd formula into the mix too - as expressing can be a bit soul fucking destroying to be honest and it's the last thing I want to do in the evening some days! And plus I don't want to up my supply too much as I thought I'd be starting to potentially drop feeds once he starts solid soon so it won't be a massive shock to the boobs. I was thinking of the 4pm feed maybe? Anyone else introduced a bottle of formula? I don't know why, because I know there is NOTHING wrong with giving your baby formula, whether that be combi feeding or all feeds, but I feel a bit nervous about it - and as if I I've failed to reach my 6 month target if I do introduce in formula. Which is RIDICULOUS I know. My friend, who successfully combi fed both her beautiful boys, said the first time she gave her son a bottle, she thought she was going to kill him. 🙈 She summed it up perfectly when she said: FUCKING HORMONES!! So I have some milk stored in the freezer so might keep trying this week (camp out at my friend's 😂) and then see how I feel and introduce formula soon. Then start eyeballing vodka. JOKES....

Chilling like a villain!

As you all know, Rafe's hospital appointment went well. Which is such a relief. The hole in his heart is still as big as it was - but not life threatening. And he may still need surgery in the future - but he may never need any intervention, even if the hole doesn't close. They want to see him again in August, as still want to keep a close eye on him. He's thriving and gained two pounds in four weeks!!! The little chunk. I just feel lucky as when we were at the hospital there was this little baby with tubes up his nose and he looked so poorly. Broke my heart. They are so little - they don't deserve such a tough start in life. Held Rafe a little tighter that night.

My husband went back to work on Monday and will be gone again for another three weeks - so not long. I think he felt a bit in the way - as it's hard as when they are away, you get into your own routine. When it was just me, I was happy to throw everything out the window for when he came home (and shave my legs) - but it's different now we have Rafe. But seeing them together is lovely. And I don't think I had any husband hate for a few days - so he obviously did as he was told.

Best go. Got a boobie to whack out!

Faye x

P.s Saw this and was just what I needed.