Breastfeed, they said. You'll burn 500 calories a day, they said. You'll lose your baby weight quickly, they said. Yes. But do they take into account you eat a WHOLE FUCKING BISCUIT TIN daily because you are always STARVING!!!!! It was always more thirst the first couple of months. You know the kind of thirst after a night out and you wake up and down a pint of water? That type of thirst. And I think I was just too exhausted and stressed about getting the hang of breastfeeding - I almost lost my appetite. I say lost my appetite - I mean, I'd still be hoovering up chocolate like it was going extinct. But literally, these past few weeks I have been absolutely starving all the God damn time. I read somewhere (google again...) that apparently between four and six months breastfeeding, your appetite increases because of hormone changes and your body starts burning fat. Obviously sounds a lot more scientific than my explanation and it could all be absolute rubbish but there's no denying that I could eat a supermarket every day. Does anyone else feel starving? I really need to think of good snacks to have otherwise I'll look like a house end and people will start asking when are you due?
In my desperation to believe I have lost more weight than I have, I seriously thought about weighing my boobs as I was adamant they must be at least a stone. But then I couldn't quite work out how to do it (what a sight that would have been!) and I still have a smidgen of dignity left so gave up and accepted it's the tin of biscuits - not my boobs.
I was full of mum rage this week at stupid people and stupid wheelie bins. Rafe had been refusing all his naps so it had been a fun morning, so I decided to take him for a walk in the pram - with the bonkers dog. It was like navigating an assault course with morons who park right on the path so you can't get passed. WHY?! And then people who leave their wheelie bins in the middle of the path. IDIOTS. So I was huffing and puffing down the street: "Are they fucking kidding me?" And as I was struggling to get up the kerb with pram and dog, I had a bit of a wobble with the pram and some women who was walking behind me actually asked: "oh, is there a baby in there?" No love, I'm just pushing around a fucking banana. That was a good day.
As I said, Rafe has been refusing naps some days and has started being really unsettled during his bedtime feed. (Success with earlier bath time though. Stopped giving a little feed before bath as he was getting angry I'd take him off early but 5.45pm bath time seems to work and we even manage one page of story-time before feed!) This is exactly what he was like during his last development leap. This wonder 'week' can last for a while apparently. It's amazing that he is going through these development changes and I can't believe how much he changes daily but I believe vodka may be needed during this one. Hypothetical vodka of course as still not loving a bottle. Going to try again tomorrow. 🤞Just need to start expressing. 😩
My new health visitor came this week. She seems lovely and I only hoovered the house once in anticipation of her coming. Rafe is now 13Ib 3oz so still putting on weight so was relieved. And was smiling a way at the lampshade for most of her visit so he was happy.
Rafe has a bit of cradle cap and has taken to scratching his head with his razor sharp nails. One. How terrifying is cutting your baby's nails? Two. HOW SHARP ARE THEY? We have baby grows with integrated mitts but when he hasn't got those on - I try and pop some mitts on him if he's a bit chilly and to stop him clawing his face. Which are an amazing invention. They never ever fall off. EVER. You never find yourself asking: "where's your mitt gone?" fifty times a day. (Or where's your sock gone? That's another one).
I loved reading everyone's comments relating to my last post. It's good to know I'm not the only one who had a different image in their head of what being a mum would be like. Loved the comment from someone who said they thought they'd take up volunteering! It's on par with my ambition to take up baking and to write a book. HAHAHA. Because you don't even have time to pluck your eye brows - never mind make a bloody Victoria sponge cake Faye.
Had some lovely messages from people who have been reading my blog for a while and wanted to get in touch to say they could relate to what I was going through. (Husband hate in particular!) I've been totally overwhelmed by these messages - I honestly thought only my mum would read my blog so it's great to hear from anyone who can relate to what I'm writing about. Makes me feel reassured I'm not the only one feeling this way.
On Monday it will be a year since I found out I was pregnant. It feels like a lifetime ago. And it felt like the longest pregnancy as found out so early on - literally a couple of weeks. I hadn't missed a period but I had been more moody than normal (poor husband) and felt exhausted. We'd been trying for three months but it still came as a shock. And I didn't believe the test. So I took three more tests as my husband made tea. And all three were positive. I don't know what I felt and don't think I can put it into words to be honest. It's one of those moments I will remember with such clarity I will feel exactly what I felt at the time. I popped all three in an envelope and wrote: "This explains why I've been so moody..." And then I gave the envelope to my husband whose face I will never forget. Then we ran to Asda and bought another five tests - just to make sure! What a year it's been. I feel so unbelievably lucky. It seems like only yesterday Rafe was hiccupping in my tummy and now he's here and I couldn't love him more if I tried. My beautiful baby boy.