Self-doubt. Pit tits. Fussy baby. Banana rage.

​So week 5 postpartum. We've had more breakthroughs with breastfeeding (hurrah!), although it still hasn't fully 'clicked' yet. A poo tsunami like I've never seen before. Engorged breasts - or pit tits (I'll explain later). More self-doubt. And rage at my husband over a banana. 

I mean - come on?!

​I've always been quite hard on myself, lacked confidence - and been a worrier. Worrying what people think about me, my weight - public transport (most specifically getting a suitcase on to a train). And since having Rafe, those feelings have most certainly not disappeared. Though public transport is low on my lists of worries now. Even though breastfeeding is feeling so much more natural to me I am doubting myself daily as it still hasn't quite clicked yet. We still have the odd hiccup along the way (on Tuesday morning I ugly cried for hours as it was like we had both forgot what to do) where he might not have latched on straight away or I'm hunched over and not comfortable. So I'm asking questions daily. Is he really latched on properly? Am I really doing it right? I keep looking at videos of people breastfeeding to see whether I am doing it right. And comparing. Some look exactly like what I am doing - some totally different. But I know when it looks and feels right for Rafe and so I need to just trust myself. Easier said than done though. I genuinely can't believe how much of a struggle breastfeeding is - I had absolutely no idea it would be this hard. And because everyone keeps saying it's the first six weeks that are the hardest - I feel like I'm on a deadline. It should have clicked by now shouldn't it? The rational side of me says everyone is different and it can take longer. The suitcase on the train, no confidence woman who hasn't slept in what seems like a century, worries it will never click. I guess I just need reassurance. That it will click - soon! Because we are getting there. Like some days I do think it has clicked. I've had no pain in my nips for over a week and I have a new V shaped pregnancy pillow which seems to help so I'm getting there. I know everyone is different - but when did it click for you? Was it just a case of your baby latching on straight away and it all feeling more natural?

I also have been doubting myself as the little fella hadn’t had a poo in a few days. He'd been feeding well, had plenty of wet nappies but obviously was freaking out. The health visitor said there was nothing to worry about - the consistency of my milk might have changed and the poo will come - with a vengeance. And oh did it come!! A poo bloody tsunami. How can one little person make such an explosion?!

Hope nobody is eating...

​Rafe is still doing the four hour back to back feeds before bed (stocking up) and most mornings (refuelling), which is exhausting/soul destroying. And he has a really fussy hour at night where he is on and off the boob and cries and cries. I'm told it's normal for newborns to have a fussy period but doesn't make it less challenging. But he has been going longer in the night. Praise the Lord! But because he's going 2.5/3 hours between feeds in the night, my boobs have become quite full and uncomfortable - especially as he only takes one breast in the night. I've had to express a little to ease the pressure. When will my boobs automatically adjust to him going a little longer in the night and I won't need to express a little? As to put it frankly, I really can't be arsed to get up, feed, wind, nurse and then pump at 1am and 4am.

The little chap is still quite windy. And we've tried everything. Infacol, one friend on the patch kindly brought round Dentinox Colic Drops as they worked a treat on her little one and also we tried Gripe Water. But nothing really helps the poor lad - apart from a little massage which normally brings on a monster (very stinky) fart. The midwife recommended Colief but you have to express four tablespoons of milk to mix with the drops before you give it to baby - and it was hard work when I had a hungry milk monster wanting my boob ASAP – and it didn’t work! Has anyone got any miracle cures?

What a cutie....

​I've postponed the rest of the baby massage yoga class till January. The more I thought about it, I really didn't want to waste £50 to breastfeed Rafe for an hour and a half in a stranger’s house. He's still so little and cluster feeding so much, I think we won't benefit. Plus, breastfeeding is still not established - I'm still slightly shell shocked, I think we will enjoy it more when he's a bit older - and will actually benefit from going. I think I was so set on signing up to classes, getting out and meeting new mums, that I'd forgot he was only a few weeks old and that although getting out and about is important - it's still early days - and hopefully I will have more confidence by then. Also, my husband will be away for a few months starting January so it will be at a better time. And hopefully Rafe will have settled and not be such a milk monster. Hopefully….

My best friends came to visit this weekend which has been amazing. It's been the first time I've really properly thought that I wished we lived back ‘home’. They 'forced' me to get out the house in the morning with Rafe as I was worried about breastfeeding in public and one of my friends who has two boys reassured me that everything I was feeling was totally normal. She even changed Rafe's nappy for me as I wanted to make sure I was doing it right. Which made me realise I am a neurotic idiot. We also spoke about our husbands - and how it must be such an adjustment for them too. And they don’t get the support we get. Granted they haven't gone through pregnancy or pushed a baby out of their penis but they do have to put up with our irrational hormones. And not getting laid. (Maybe never again 😂) Although they really don't help themselves. We were all rushing around to get out the house on Saturday, five adults, Rafe, a six-year-old and a toddler. I was well aware I was on a breastfeeding deadline and Rafe was already kicking off in his snowsuit as we put him in his car seat. But it's okay husband - you sit on the kitchen table and eat a fucking banana. RAGE. Why do men have no sense of urgency? But hand on heart - I couldn't have got through these few weeks without him.

I always sound a bit negative - so let me end on something to make you laugh! Maybe this is a 'you had to be there' kind of moment but wanted to tell you something that made me laugh for days and kept me smiling through the night feeds. Let me talk to you about pit tits. We were FaceTiming my SIL and talking about women who had boob jobs after breastfeeding their kids had left their boobs looking like dog ears. I was also talking about finding the right position for breastfeeding and someone had advised biological nursing. I said I couldn't do that as when I lie down - my boobs slide down to my armpits and the poor fella wouldn't be able to find them.
SIL: "You have pit tits - like me. That's what my husband calls them."
Me: "HAHAHAHAHAHA oh my God - I have the ultimate pit tits."
Husband: "No you have back tits."
Okay - too far.
Who would have thought pit tits would have made me laugh so much - and sum up my boobs/breastfeeding in two words. So for all the women who have lost their boobs to breastfeeding - or who've always had pit tits (me) I salute you. The struggle is real. If pregnancy and breastfeeding isn't hard enough - you have to say farewell to your tits. RIP.

On that note, until next time! Faye x