Short but kind of sweet blog post this week. Just wanted to mention some fun things Rafe has started to take great enjoyment in....
1. Wants to mostly feed himself now/put his face in his food.
2. Tries to escape when you are changing his nappy, also known as the Russian Roulette of 'is he going to shit on the carpet?'
3. Does not want to be dressed. Cue tantrum and crawling away so a quick change becomes a half an hour battle.
4. Everything is thrown on the floor. And it is absolutely hilarious.
5. Wants to be picked up. Doesn't want to be picked up. Wants to be picked up. Doesn't want to be picked up. And repeat x 50.
Oh and sleep. HA!
The list goes on...
Anyone else's baby now officially a 'proper toddler', also known as {insert your own choice of word here}? He's bloody brilliant though. ❤
.
How long is it till I can have wine?

Faye x

​“You really need to get him to self-settle.”
“You’re making a rod for your own back.”
“Babies need comfort and cuddles so you shouldn’t leave baby to cry.”
"Of course babies should be cuddled to sleep."
“If he only settles on your boob – what will you do when you stop breastfeeding?”
“Once baby number 2 comes, what are you going to do?”
MINE-F-FIELD. Vodka for breakfast sounds quite appealing right now. So seems the boobs were as I always thought – a magic, comfort inducing sleep miracle that when you take away, means it is pretty tough to get a toddler to sleep without shushing, cuddling, singing - and begging.

​I’m still feeling quite emotional about stopping breastfeeding and will randomly cry at different times of the day, like when I see breast pads in my wardrobe. Though I did give myself a talking to then. But like I said in my post last week, it became such a part of my life, it’s been really hard to let go. I thought Rafe was managing well – and I think he is – luckily he loves cow’s milk and enjoys his drink before bed. But getting him to actually settle is really quite hard – which I knew it would be. He would nurse for a while, become sleepy and had been quite easy to put down for a while (most of the time). I think sometimes you forget what a comfort breastfeeding is – so it is naturally going to help baby to feel sleepy and safe. And then to switch the routine and for him not to have that – although he hasn’t tried to ask to nurse too much (though the past couple of days he has been pulling at my top asking to nurse which is hard and feel so guilty) – he needs a cuddle and some help to get to sleep. Which is understandable and some days are good – and he will go to sleep after 10-minutes – and I do love the cuddles. But other times it’s a battle of putting down three, four, five times before he eventually settles – and he has been waking up through the night. He still has a bit of a cough and cold so I don’t think that is helping. And it might be because he is still has the sniffles and coughing in the night that it has been a challenging week for sleep – but I think the switch up of routine, stopping breastfeeding and the way he settles at night is causing these coffee in eyelids mornings. Yes, I can hear and read the advice about “not letting baby fall asleep on boob as will make it hard for you in the long-run” and I can see other advice about how important it is to cuddle your child to sleep and I can see my face in the mirror where I look like a bag of shite and well that says it all. I love cuddling Rafe to sleep – and I don’t necessarily want to not do that – but I do wish it was as easy as falling asleep in my arms after 5-10 minutes and then being able to put down. I know he can self-settle but it involves leaving to cry for a little bit and I just don’t have the energy and my hormones are going mental right now. But at the same time, I know if I can get him to be happy being put down sleepy and fall asleep – it’s going to help me when baby number 2 arrives as going to be so much harder. I guess I need to attempt the pick-up put down method again maybe? Or if anyone else has any tips on how they got their breastfed baby to sleep after you stopped would be flipping great right now.

​Rafe’s been so much better and although still has a bit of a cough, we only had to give him his inhaler for 5-days (which he is so good at now – hardly any tears thankfully!) and he looks like he has put on weight and is just full of beans and a bit like a tornado at the moment. And touch wood – his rash on his face has gone down. So not really sure what the allergic reaction was - and whether cow's milk was/is the issue. But he seems to be ok now. Still waiting for a referral letter for clinic and my health visitor couldn’t make her visit last week but going to get him weighed and then go from there. It’s been a worrying couple of weeks but he is so happy and full of himself this past week – it’s been such a joy to see.

​He’s took his first few proper steps too! I have to stand him up, flatten his feet and entice with chocolate but we made progress! He’s not ready yet to go but is wanting to get on his feet all the time so hoping it won’t be too long. I think what he really needs to do is be able to go from sitting to standing – without using us, the dog or furniture to get up. He is trying – he is almost doing a headstand but just can’t quite get up. It’s hard to help with this as needs to kind of do it himself – but if you have any tips – fire away please!

​Baby number 2 has started to become super active – well I can feel him/her kick and move so much more. Which is pretty exciting. I feel pretty big already and can’t quite believe I am almost 25 weeks! And starting to think how the fuck am I going to deal with 2 under 2?! But also trying to just chill the fuck out. I had my whooping cough injection this week and the nurse has three children – she said her first two, there was an age gap of three-and-a-half years – and then when baby number 2 was four months – she fell pregnant. So not much of a gap at all – and she reassured me you manage – and that such a small age gap is lovely. But obviously I know it’s not going to be all skipping through meadows and laughing and smiling. Now my pregnancy seems to be flying by (I bet it drags now!) I started thinking that I just can’t quite imagine this being the last time I’m pregnant. I just can’t imagine it. So trying to treasure everything. But at the same-time thinking – maybe we go for three?! Madness I know! Blame the hormones. As long as baby number 2 arrives healthy – I’ll be happy. And chances of husband and I having sex with 2 under 2 ever again is pretty slim anyway.

​I’ve been on antibiotics this week as have a UTI, which has been marvellous. But it’s my birthday today (21 again) so having a wild party tonight, shots, shots, shots! Maybe not…Husband is overseas again (thankfully not for long) so just having a quiet weekend with family. It's a bit shit he's not here but just one of those things and spent more birthdays since we have been together without him (violins). Can’t believe I’m 34. Like, how did that happen? Still look like a fresh 20-year-old though, if 20-year-olds have boobs down to their knees and crow’s feet’s and a moustache. But I know I’m lucky to have what I have – just would prefer a few less wrinkles and no beard – but can’t win them all.

So have a glass of wine and a tequila for me!

Till next time,

Faye x

To my 2am tears,

​​Nobody told you it would be this hard. The woman at the breastfeeding class passed you a plastic doll and told you how to position baby onto breast – and WHAM, baby was latched on. Simple as that! Yet it wasn’t for you, was it?

Your baby’s first feed seems like a distant memory and you kept asking, “am I doing it right?” But looking down at his dark, thick hair, his fingers entwined in yours, was a moment you will never forget.

The days that followed, you contorted your boobs and body and nipples (that got HUGE) to get your baby to latch on. And it was uncomfortable at times. Painful.

You will battle with nipple shields until they are thrown at your husband and his worthless nipples. You will want to give up, then the midwife will say your baby has put on weight and you will want to scream I DID THAT! So you will want to keep going. You will buy 500 breastfeeding pillows. Only to end up using a normal fucking pillow – which will go with you everywhere – though you dare feed in public yet (and are always, sadly scared to). You will try cradle position, cross-cradle, lying down, ‘laid back breastfeeding’ (note: this does not work for your droopy side boobs), rugby ball hold – which will work for you. You will get other mums to show you how to breastfeed, you will watch YouTube video after YouTube video – and some days you will think you’ve cracked it. Then he won't latch on properly and you’ll feel like you’ve failed.

You’ll think you aren’t producing enough milk as all baby wants to do is feed, feed, feed. Then you find out about cluster feeding at it will almost end you. You will be so exhausted that you will watch your husband snore in the night while you feed your son and resent him and his uninterrupted sleep. But something will keep you going. You set a goal of 6-months and come rain or shine – or cracked nipples you will fucking get there.

Lansinoh will be your best friend. You won’t understand why breast pads are so small so will use nappies instead. Making you feel and look even more sexier than when you had a giant pad on for weeks post-birth.

You will cry. A lot.

But then at 8-weeks, something others kept saying would happen – will. It clicks! You will still be exhausted and living in a biscuit tin but nursing will no longer be scary – or something you dread. It starts to become part of you. And those moments in the night, that sometimes were so lonely, are also the moments you will miss so much when they're over. The moments where it was just you and your baby – just the two of you. He would hold your hand and you would feel a bond that you couldn’t ever put into words. Just you two against the world. Because in all the chaos, it is the quiet time you both need. Remember it's not just about milk, you're his comfort too.

But you will want a break. At times, you will feel like you sacrificed a lot – tequila, your boobs, just some time without your wabs out. And you will try desperately to get baby to take a bottle after spending hours expressing – but your baby just won't take it. But that's okay.

You will make it to six-months! Why not try for a year? And then FUCKING MASTITIS. Motherfucker.

But every feed you drop as baby has more solids, you will cry. Though at times it is a welcome relief, it will be hard to let go and you will feel like the less he nurses, the less he needs you. Then your baby turns one – but you want to carry on a little longer - and he still wants to nurse. Despite the comments and the disapproving remarks: “you’re still feeding him?" "Yes, Carol, I fucking am.” Everyone is judged, however they feed their baby – just remember it’s your choice, you keep doing what you feel is best for you and your baby.

Then as the months go on, you get down to two feeds a day. (Two feeds – I know, imagine that?!) And those are the feeds you will treasure the most. In the morning when he is still sleepy and you fit together like a jigsaw and then before bed, when he falls asleep by your side.

Now with baby number 2 on the way (don't panic), you know it is time to let go – for you and your baby. Especially now nursing a toddler has become a wrestling match of hair pulling, biting and somersaults.

17-months of tears.
17-months of nipple cream.
17-months of leaking.
17-months of magic.
17-months of joy.
17-months of love.

​And that last feed, you will sob. And you will say: “that was the last time I will feed you son. But it has been an absolute privilege”. And it may sound corny and ridiculous to others – but it really will feel like a privilege. And an absolute joy. And for days, weeks you will feel so lost. A part of you is over. A time where it was just you and your boy and nobody else in the world, is over. And you won't be able to put it into words what the experience has meant to you, but you will try. And you will miss it. So much. You will miss his fingers entwined in yours as he lay by your side. You will miss his stillness. You will miss the moments when he would sometimes stop for a break and look up at you and smile and you’d feel like your heart would burst. You will miss it all. You will even miss the fucking breast pads. You will just miss the moments that at times you dreaded, you wanted to end.
​
Because for you, though one of the hardest things you will ever do - it is one of the absolute best. And I know you’re crying now at 2am because you just feel like you will never get it. But you will. And I promise you, that when it’s all over – and your milk has dried up. All you will want to do is go back to the beginning and start again. And it will break your heart this little chapter that has been such an important part of both of your lives has ended.

So treasure the moments you are missing now. And stop giving yourself a hard time. You’re doing your best. That’s all us mums are ever trying to do. And give yourself a little high five.

​And he still needs you. He always will.

x

So, don’t really know where to start really. Bit of an eventful one this week. Think I’ll start with point number 3, then go from there....So yes, this weekend I stopped breastfeeding Rafe. I'm going to do a one off post about my experience but at the moment, I’m feeling incredibly emotional about it. I can’t stop crying. Being almost 23-weeks pregnant obviously doesn’t help and being more hormonal than normal, but was always going to be hard, whenever it ended...It’s just been an absolute privilege to breastfeed Rafe for 17-months. I struggled more than I ever think I put into words in the beginning. It’s been the hardest – but one of the most rewarding and best things I have ever done. And honestly – I feel slightly lost. Like the mourning feeling I felt when I went back to work after maternity leave – but worse. It’s been a massive part of my day/life for a few days shy of 17-months, whether that be the early days of constant feeding, or these last few months of just two feeds a day and I’m just finding it a bit hard to let go. Rafe seems okay though – which is all that matters. And I knew I really needed to let go of that final feed (dropped morning feed a couple of weeks ago). For Rafe – and me, for a number of reasons. My milk was basically drying up/had dried up, baby number 2 is on the way in July and well, I want to give boobies a break – and most importantly, for Rafe to have time to adjust and honestly, it’s become quite painful and exhausting while pregnant. My first deadline to get to was 6-months, than a year, than possibly 2 – so I’m pretty proud to be honest, without sounding full of myself. But also feeling incredibly sad and honestly, fucking devestated – dramatic to say this but it’s kind of broke my heart that this chapter with Rafe is over.

So I cried during my final nursing session on Thursday night (obvs) and then on Friday evening, I gave Rafe some cow’s milk before bed to try help settle him as this was the feed I was worried so much about dropping as has always settled him. (Also been giving him some cow’s milk in morning as he’s up so early and wants it, I know people may disagree and say just skip the morning bottle and just give breakfast but it’s not affected his eating and that’s what we are doing for now). He seemed fine but as I was cuddling him to sleep, he vomited everywhere. I thought it may just be because he’s not used to having cow’s milk before bed (we introduced it on cereal at 6-months and as a drink when one so has been in his diet a while) and had maybe given too much and he then settled. But obviously I already felt feelings of guilt and worry with it being the first day I had not breastfed at all and just kept ugly crying. But I started to google the shit out of things (fucking danger) as since Rafe has had more cow’s milk than he ever normally has the past couple of weeks, he has had nasty nappies and this eczema rash on his face which he's had for months, will not get better or go away with all the creams we have had prescribed and so I started looking at cow’s milk allergy symptoms and just as I was doing that Rafe woke up crying, went to calm him down and shit myself as his face looked like he had been stung by loads of bees. His eyes were puffy and his lips were all swollen and the rash was all over his face. I knew it was an allergic reaction and we headed to hospital. We were given antihistamines as soon as we got there but it was so busy we didn’t get seen properly for another three-hours, but Rafe was thankfully full of beans once the swelling had gone down. I explained my cow’s milk theory to the paediatrician and he said it was unlikely to be a cow’s milk allergy as would have had similar reactions before and he’s been having it for a while now. He said some kids do just randomly have an allergic reaction and they never know what from. He said the rash did look like eczema so was given more emollient cream and special stuff to bath him in – and some antihistamines. He said to of course keep an eye on him and if has another reaction like that, to head to hospital and also if the rash does not get better, go to GP and ask to be referred to a dermatologist and possibly dietician. The latter we may have to see anyway (that’s another story) so will see. I guess I maybe put 2 and 2 together and got it totally wrong and was maybe a coincidence and totally unrelated to him having more cow's milk. I also think if he had an intolerance/allergic reaction he'd be having other symptoms - cramps, colic, wind etc and would be really poorly?? He's never shown any discomfort after food or milk. Maybe his rash will get better and this was just a one off reaction. Just need to stay off google. But obviously worried. Mind ready to explode and flipping exhausted as didn’t leave hospital till 2am. But Rafe’s okay – in fact he’s a bit of a hero and was a trooper in hospital. I know it’s common to be in and out of GP’s office and hospital when they’re small – but it’s flipping worrying as hell. Honestly. Pint of wine. Now.

Another less scary meltdown involved worry over Rafe still not walking. I think it’s because I’ve had a few innocent comments, ‘is he not walking yet?’, ‘he’s just being lazy’, which I know aren’t meant maliciously, but you do get your back up a bit. And then you start comparing to others his age and google the shit out of 'when toddlers should be walking'. And I don’t think it is laziness, it’s genuine lack of confidence. We’ve been working this week on getting him to hold just one hand and walk – and he is getting better. (Chocolate at the other side of the room helps!) And I have been worried he is still walking quite inwardly, but after sharing my concerns on Instagram, I have inundated with messages from other mums, podiatrists, paediatricians, who shared their own experiences and advice. Sharing their own experience of late walkers – some not walking till 18-months – and reassured me, it was nothing to be concerned about. Thank you! And as long as Rafe can weight bare and cruises around, I shouldn’t be worried. (Obviously, if you are really concerned, never any harm speaking to your GP). And all this reassurance made me realise I needed to stop thinking because he is 16-months he MUST be walking. He will do so in his own time. Some babies walk at 9-months, others 18. He has hit all other milestones in good time and just needs some further encouragement to get his confidence up. And if we get to a couple of months down the line and he is still not there – I can voice my concerns to my GP. Someone recommended getting toddler walking wings to help him get on the move…. So will keep you in the loop!

​As I was stressing about walking – I then started thinking about talking…Honestly, I need a holiday from my own brain. Is he saying enough? Should he be talking more? He is great at understanding you and will point out objects/parts of body, do heads, shoulders, knees and toes (his party trick), he makes noises for certain objects, car is ‘brum’ and can say hiya (he lifts up phone while he does this!), dada, yes and various other babbles – and of course mum. In fact, everything and everyone is mum. That is pretty much a word he says all the time - for everything! But now I’m thinking should he say more? Should I be doing more to encourage more words? I read to him, constantly point out what things are and also listen to him when he is babbling – any further advice or should I just chill the fuck out about this too?!

We had Rafe at the hospital this week for his 6-month heart check. His VSD has actually got a little smaller – which is great news as has never shrunk in size since we have been having these check-ups. And the consultant was happy. She still wants to see him in 6-months’ time as his left ventricle is still not back to normal (has always been enlarged) but nothing to worry about. Hole may still close on own but if not, she said it was unlikely they would ever need to intervene and he will go on to live a normal life. Which is such a relief. You sit in that waiting room and even though I felt quite confident he would be okay, you look around and see some really poorly babies. And it breaks your heart. And you realise how lucky you are.

We went last week for a fetal echocardiogram to check baby number 2’s heart – and all looks well. The consultant said, although they can sometimes miss small holes, she was confident all was well with this baby’s little heart – and kept saying ‘beautiful’ which was reassuring. And so good to see baby again! My husband was there for the scan which was lovely as he missed the 20-week scan. Still didn’t find out sex but I’m still certain it’s a boy. But we will see….

At the heart appointment this week, when Rafe was weighed, he had dropped on the centile chart. Has mostly been on the 50th centile or above but had dropped to under the 25th and noticed he was actually not far off his weight when he was 12-months. (His height is average.) Naturally I had a nervous-breakdown but the consultant said it was nothing to do with his heart and to speak to GP/dietician. She said it was common for toddler’s weight to drop – and also he’s been poorly on and off for months so his weight has naturally been yo-yoing when off his food, or being fussy – but he’s not a bad eater when he is on top form. He loves his food – though still fussy at times. I just felt so guilty as I could obviously see he wasn’t this big chubby baby anymore, but he doesn’t look under-weight and he does have a balanced diet. But like I said, naturally I felt so guilty and blamed myself. (Hormones/being a mum). So I spoke to my health visitor and she asked about his diet and wasn’t concerned but said she would come and weigh him next week and go from there. But since all this, the allergic reaction happened so don't know whether it's all connected. But just before I start google panicking again, anyone else been through a similar experience and has advice on what foods to help Rafe put on some weight?

​So yeah, what a fucking week.

Till next time,

Faye x

​Update: Been in hospital with Rafe since 3am. He started to struggle with his breathing so have been given steroids and told to go back on the inhaler for a few days as was most likely the viral wheeze again. So reaction and this I presume is all connected? I also mentioned Rafe’s weight and we are being reviewed to an out-patient clinic, so at least that will skip out all the referrals that may have come about after seeing the health visitor. Nightmare bloody weekend! And makes some of the other worries seem trivial but guess it's just been one of those weeks.

Been off for a few days this week so family time+teething+Leap 10 (this is the last one right?!)+unsettled nights+nasty nappies+morning/all-day sickness=no 'proper' post this week. But here's a very cute video of Rafe and Yankee (check out my Facebook or Instagram page!) finally becoming best pals. Though Yankee is still slightly terrified of this mini version of my husband. 😂❤ Anyone else's dog and child now best of friends after a few years of running away from each other?

Operation husband coming home after months away ​before kids: Wax, shave, pluck, fake-tan, new hair, waiting at door for him pulling up in excitement.

After kids: Shave legs (bottom half not top), run dry shampoo through hair, wait on sofa in pj’s.

Sound familiar? When people say relationships change when you have kids – they ain’t joking. Plus, you don’t know – until you really know. Until you’re contemplating divorce because your husband has left his dirty clothes on the floor AGAIN and you are constantly in a battle of, ‘who is more tired?’ I win every-time just so you know.

Don’t get me wrong, I have missed my husband so much and was excited to have him home. But realistically, I haven’t got the time, money, patience or energy to be having a spray tan. I remember when he came back after a long stint away. We had got married in the March, moved up to Scotland a week later, he deployed a week after that – and was away for almost 6-months (was supposed to be a 3-month trip but for those fellow military spouses – you know that things are never set in stone which is an absolute fucking nightmare), which was the longest we had been apart. Which was a tough time. But before he came back, honestly it was like I was preparing for my wedding day again. Even bought a new outfit for him walking through the door. And it’s not like I’m any less excited – it’s just priorities change. I’m 20 weeks pregnant, dealing with a poorly toddler and brushing my hair was going to have to do. The huge difference in homecoming prep got me thinking about how much your relationship changes when you have a baby. People say it will, but like before baby, when people say, “it’s really hard,” you don’t really understand until you’re knee deep in the four-month sleep regression sobbing in the corner of your room. Naturally, marriage/your relationship is put on the back burner. However much you say it won’t – it does. However much you say, we need a date night, we need a night away just us – months down the line, that’s still not happened. And nobody tells you that once you have a baby, you both become even more irritating to each other. I have lost count at how many times I have genuinely thought about divorce if my husband leaves his dirty clothes on the floor one more time. Or receipts. Why the fuck are there receipts hidden all around the house? Put them in the fucking bin. And I’m sure he will say that he has lost count of the times I have went from 0-100 with rage over ‘nothing’. And the bickering – and the constant competition of, “well I’ve had less sleep than you”. Hands down – I win every time. Nobody tells you how you will stare at your husband with hatred while you nurse your baby at 2am and he snores away. It is no wonder you have some wobbly moments in your relationship once children come into the mix. And I don’t think you should feel ashamed or embarrassed for saying that. Being the most tired you have ever been does not help either! And having a child is a momentous change in your life. I don’t want it to sound like I’m saying, ‘don’t have a baby, you will end up divorced!’ Because at the same time I’m feeling the rage, I am feeling overwhelming love when I see my husband with my son. And I feel so lucky we have our little family – with another on the way. It’s just hard sometimes. But there’s nobody else I’d rather shout at for leaving receipts around the house. We are still learning how to juggle our relationship and having a toddler and will have to navigate another baby into the mix soon, so well aware this is going to be even more challenging. But I have vowed for more date night’s when we can, (yes I know, when will that actually happen?!), or just time where we sit down and actually talk to each other – about anything other than how much sleep we have had. I also find talking to my friends about how annoying our husbands are (I’m well aware, I am equally annoying), helps and gives us all a good laugh. (He did what?!!) And makes you remember that even the strongest of couples have their days where they are finding it hard to put their relationship as a priority. Because at the end of the day, without the love we have for each other, Rafe wouldn’t be here. And I wouldn't want to go through all this madness without him by my side. I think it’s important to be open and honest about the 'normal struggles' because behind every ‘perfect’ Instagram photo of an adoring couple – or gushing declaration of love of Facebook, there was probably a blazing row the day before about whose turn it was to put the bins out.

​So yes, husband home! Which is amazing. He's off for a week before heading back to work and we are actually away for the weekend, staying in a cottage to celebrate my dad retiring, which has been lovely. Of course it’s so good to have him back as I have missed him – but having that extra support in the night to help with Rafe is amazing. And Rafe is doing so much better. Thank you for all your advice and support in last week’s post, meant a lot. It’s so comforting to know that there are others who have been/or are going through similar experiences – and were able to share tips on making giving the inhaler more fun! We’ve stopped having to give him one now and his wheeze has gone. He’s still coughing in the night, but full of beans and fine in himself. The last couple of days we gave the inhaler he was fine, it helped to have the stickers on, pretending we were all having a 'puff' – even Yankee – and letting him play with it,relaxed him. So hopefully no more inhaler – but prepared if we do have to.

​Randomly had a few mornings this week where I have been sick, but don’t feel as bad as I did when the morning sickness was in full force. I think it's tiredness too. But really starting to feel baby move more now. I’m so much more aware this time round, I’m sure I didn’t feel this much movement at this point, first time round. Can’t believe I am half way already! With Rafe, the first 20-weeks seemed to drag – but I feel like I have blinked and I am at the half way point. I’ve just booked to have hypnobirthing classes with a former midwife who is trained in hypnobirthing with KG. I’m really looking forward to the sessions to be honest, so will let you know how they go.
 
Thank you all for your advice re. Rafe walking. We have bought him some pre-walkers from Clarks which a few of you recommended – and also going to work on building up his confidence. So again, will let you know how we get on!
 
Till next week,
 
Faye x

​Been a bit of a rough ride this week. We had to stay in hospital on Monday night as Rafe had developed a wheeze and his respiratory rate was high. He has had a cold and cough for a couple of weeks but has been okay in himself but on Monday my mum and dad noticed he had a wheeze so made an appointment at the doctors. He was seen by his GP, who wanted him to be checked over by a paediatrician. It was just as I was finishing work so we went up to the hospital and he was breathing quite fast and you could really hear a wheeze. They gave him an inhaler – which was not fun at all. I had to basically hold him down while a nurse popped a mask on his face and we had to administer one puff, for 10 seconds, 10 times. Which was obviously scary for Rafe and he was getting quite distressed. They monitored him further but the wheeze came back so they wanted to admit him for the night. He was actually quite well in himself, he was happy enough but obviously was a worry. And you just feel so helpless. The night was pretty rough as he didn’t want to be put down as was obviously unsettled and frightened as a nurse kept coming in to do observations and give him a nebuliser. So I think I got a glorious one hour of broken sleep. But luckily he was discharged in the morning and we were told he had a viral induced wheeze. Apparently it is common, and even more so in children who have had bronchiolitis (he had it when he was 6-weeks and was quite poorly and in hospital for 5 days) and doesn’t mean he will develop asthma. We have had to give him an inhaler every four hours until hopefully tomorrow, so I took the rest of the week off work as carer's leave as you need two people to administer the inhaler – and well honestly, I just didn’t want to leave him. He really hates the inhaler, but is getting better. Someone advised putting stickers on the mask part (I think the medical term is a volumatic spacer) to make it more ‘fun’, which has helped and we just give constant praise. It’s been quite tough but so thankful and lucky to live near our family, with husband still away, they have been such an amazing help. But it was hard not having husband here – and he was uncontactable so I couldn’t even tell him we were in hospital. Not like he would have been able to help and he would have just worried but just needed to hear his voice, and have him here for support. But he is back home next week so beyond excited/emotional/relieved/let me sleep for days please.

​Rafe hasn’t been settling well at all at night which is understandable. But slightly exhausting. He’s also coming alive during and after his bedtime feed again which at times is funny as he is chatting away and bouncing up and down on the bed – but equally I do want to say GO TO {INSERT POSSIBLE SWEAR WORD} PLEASE. But hopefully he will settle back down soon as I can’t quite down coffee all day or drink wine. The dream combo. I think when my husband is back, he should be able to take a week off so going to try and drop his morning feed, see how he is and even possibly attempt the before-bed feed. Or the other way round. I am going to feel incredibly emotional about it all but at the same time my nips are killing and I want a break before I have to give my boobs away to baby number 2.

Had my 20-week scan this week. Didn’t find out the sex in the end and I was surprised as I just didn’t even feel slightly tempted. I do think it is a boy though but going to do the old wives tales like I did last time for a bit of fun – but as long as bubs is healthy, that’s all that matters. Have another scan in a couple of weeks to check the baby’s heart and my husband will be able to make this one. But the sonographer this week said from what she can see, nothing to worry about. It’s just a constant worry having kids isn’t it?!

Rafe’s still not walking (just turned 16-months) but I know it’s nothing to worry about yet and he will do it when he is ready. He is walking around furniture, walking holding hands but seems to be scared to let go and stand on his own and doesn't stand with his feet flat. Any tips to help with this? I know people have said, you will be wishing he wasn’t as mobile once he is walking but I am just so ready for him to walk now! I’m constantly running after him anyway as he is so fast crawling, I almost feel like it will be easier to have him walking. So yeah, any tips to help him gain more confidence please!

So a bit of a tough week, made better by the scan – and that husband is back next week. Feels like it's been longer than 7-weeks, we've done so so much longer than that, it's just been a tough few weeks. Rafe is okay though, it’s obviously just been a worry – and exhausting. But he’s a champ! So many people have said, “oh my son was the same, constantly in hospital for his chest when he was little – now he’s fine”, so I know it’s not uncommon but if all these winter bugs can just do one – I’d be grateful.

Till next week,

Faye x

I've been poorly this week (hello all-day sickness, you're back) and feeling like an exhausted whale (been up since 3am with Rafe) so I'm cheating a bit with my blog post this week. A friend shared this post a few weeks ago and I ugly cried. It was just what I needed to read after another exhausting night with Rafe - and I know a few of you mums might need to read this too. Prepare to ugly cry. It's beautiful. To all the exhausted mums. You're amazing.
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​Till next week,
Faye x
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Dear mama,

Could you wake up for a minute? I know it's hard for you to open your eyes - we haven't slept a lot yet tonight. But mama, I kinda need you right now. You see, the thing is, I feel a bit lonely at the moment. I'm laying here in my crib and I'm somewhat cold.

I didn't mean to cry so I'm sorry I did. I've been trying to get your attention by making some noises for a while now but you were in such a deep sleep, you couldn't hear me. I don't know how else to get your attention. During the day, I see and hear you all make noises and I see you respond well to each other. You talk to me like that too. And I try very hard but I don't know how to do that yet. So I cry so you'd listen to me.

Mama, I'm sorry for crying. Like I said, I feel a bit lonely. I just spent nine months inside your belly where I've always felt safe. It's a bit scary to me to be in such a big bed all by myself. I miss your heartbeat, the rushing of your blood, the warmth and the food.I miss your breathing and your hands you put over me to protect me when I still was inside your belly.

So mama, would you please listen to me? I'm calling for you in the only way I'm able to. I feel really alone. I need your warmth and your peace for a moment. I need to know for sure you're still here. So can I come lay with you for a little while to feel your warmth?

Some cuddles first. Mama, this feels so nice. When I feel you holding me while you gently rock me and when I can smell and feel you, I feel so safe. I can feel your hand on my back and my ear is placed just right on your heart. Mom, this is home to me. Do you remember back when we were always together? I always felt like this back then. Sometimes I miss that time. It was so nice to be close to you.

I hear you softly whisper into my ear "Everything is okay little one, everything is fine". Your voice is so soft and familiar. You smell good mom. A bit like me and a bit like you.

Mama, will you hold me just a little longer? I'm really tired and I feel so relaxed in your arms. It almost feels like before. I'm going to close my eyes for a little while, okay? Can I please stay with you here a little longer to enjoy your love and your presence?

And can I drink some more? Mama, since we're laying like this anyway...I'd like to ask you something. I know, it sounds pretty sad because I can't talk like you can yet so I'm sorry for crying again. But mama, can I please drink some more? My throat is dry and my tummy is empty and since we're here anyway...maybe I can have a few more sips? Your milk tastes delicious and is so warm and familiar.
Thanks mom, that's exactly what I needed. I was really really thirsty. Your finger on my cheek feels great by the way. And you're smiling at me. Nothing makes me happier than seeing your smile and feeling your presence. I'll close my eyes again, okay? Please don't put me away straight away, I really enjoy falling asleep here. This feels really good. Can I stay with you for another hour or so?

My tummy hurts. What is that?! Mama! Can you feel this? Mom? My tummy hurts so bad. What is happening? Please help me mama, I don't know what's happening. I've never felt anything like this.

Thank you for rubbing my belly mom. It's late and everyone is asleep. I'm so happy you're here for me. I don't know what I'd do without you mama. My tummy already hurts less and when you hold me like that...I feel pretty tired. Maybe I'll close my eyes again. Please hold me a little longer?

Can I have more cuddles? You won't believe this mama! I'm a bit scared. I just woke up and I didn't know where I was for a second. It was all dark and a little cold again. I know you're tired mama. But I really missed you, can I please be with you again for a while?

Mama, I can see that you're tired. There are tears in your eyes and every now and then a tear rolls down your cheek. I'm sorry mama but I feel really strange in this new world. I miss home. I miss always being close to you.

Sometimes I feel a tear fall on my head while you gently rock me. You're singing me a song so that I can go back to sleep. You softly dry the tears that fell on my head with your hand. That feels nice mom, do that again?
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I fall asleep on your chest. You feel so soft, so familiar. There's nowhere I sleep better than here. My legs are pulled up, just like they were back when I still lived with you. I can hear your heartbeat again and I move along with your breathing.

I will learn soon. Mama, you're the best place to be. I'm so glad I get to come to you over and over again. I don't like being unable to just ask either but I'm really happy you listen to me when I call for you.

Soon, I'll be able to be there for you. Or for my brothers or sisters. Or for my friends in school. You're teaching me how to take care of someone. You're teaching me that you listen, even when I can't ask. You're teaching me I'm safe, even when sometimes it feels like I'm not. You're teaching me that you love me, even when you're very tired. Thank you.
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And mama, I love you.
{Author Unknown}

​Breastfeeding a toddler:
“Ow, you're pulling my hair.”
“Okay, now you’ve just punched me in the face.”
“Why are you upside down?”
“How are you upside down?”
“What’s so funny?”
“You’ve just kicked me in the face.”
“PLEASE DO NOT BITE MY…”
Ahh, remember the days when baby would nurse quietly, so peaceful, then fall asleep? Yup, I’m struggling to remember too.
Breastfeeding a toddler: Also known as – wrestling.

​This week Rafe has been a bit of a terror when nursing. In the morning, he’s been his ‘normal’ self and nursed like a dream. But the before-bed feed. Mother trucker. My boobs! My nipples! My face! He’s wriggling all over. He’s coming off my boob. He’s pulling my hair. He’s turning upside down while still attached to my boob. He’s laughing. He’s blowing raspberries. He’s sitting up. And he has bit my nipple a couple of times which is well, not pleasant. I think he must be going through a phase – please tell me this is normal and that it only lasts a few days?!!

​Although he seems to be having a party before bed, he is still loaded with cold and still has a pesky cough. He has been fine within himself though, appetite back and generally a happy chappy. Just a bit of a snot monster. (Honestly, his immune system better be like Superman's by the time he is at school). He went to nursery as just had a bit of a snotty nose – but I had major mum guilt as I had to pick him up early. They said he had been happy as Larry but then suddenly got quite teary, wouldn't settle and he had a temperature. I walked in and he was sat just in a nappy (to cool him down) crying and I felt so bad. Like punch in the stomach bad. Firstly, I thought nursery would think I was a bad mum for sending him in the first place – but he was fine that morning, just a bit snotty. Secondly, seeing him upset and he had obviously been crying for me was really tough. I just wanted to scoop him up and cry with him. Just feel like he never quite gets better and then bamb another bloody cold. I had to go back to work – but my dad was around to look after him. It’s just shit sometimes. And getting the balance of, 'well he had to go to nursery, it's good for him to mix with other children, I have to work, I wish I didn’t work, but I do want a career, but I want to spend as much time as I can with my boy, I don’t want other people looking after him, I know it’s good for him not to be with me all the time, I know it’s good for me, I just want to cry'. It just sometimes feels incredibly difficult to be the best mum I can be, as well as wife, 'a working woman', ‘running’ a house, trying to still be 'me', looking after myself – and my baby bump. This quote came into my mind: “we expect women to work like they don’t have children and raise children as if they don’t work.” Sometimes it just feels a bit impossible doesn’t it?

I wasn’t able to speak to my husband for over a week this week which was tough. Although I am distracted and busy, not being able to text – or hear his voice was hard. I think I’m just really hormonal and emotional at the moment too and know hearing his voice always helps. He’s ‘out of reach’ again for about 10 days, but then won’t be long until he’s home and maybe I’ll stop being so emotional...

Bit of a shorter one this week as haven’t had much time to be honest - but I have managed to eat a considerable amount of chocolate and biscuits – so this week hasn’t been too bad. Eating for two right?
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Till next time,

Faye x

​Hands up if your child went back to nursery after Christmas break and is now poorly? Damn you nursery germs.

​But on a very positive note – I heard baby's heartbeat this week. Forgot how it is one of those moments where time really does stops still. ❤

​So yes. Yet again – nursery germs strikes. Though could also be the toddler groups he goes too but either way, we have a snotty boy with an ear and skin infection. Started last Sunday where he woke up and was roasting hot and had a temperature most of the day. I was at work on Monday so my parents had to take him to the doctors (hello mum guilt). The dermatitis on his face is infected and he also had an ear infection, which he was given antibiotics for. So he is not quite himself, off his food, not sleeping great (send help) and is loaded with snot. And since Thursday he has developed a cough and the poor champ has been up all night coughing, which not going to lie. Has been pretty tough as kind of wrecked and I can't have wine - or cups and cups of coffee!! Hopefully he will be back to his old self soon though. He was off nursery this week – so kind of dreading him going back again next week. What will he catch this time round?! Yes, I know it’s all good for his immune system in the long-term, it’s just not so fun right now is it?

​It has been a bit of a tough week, just not sleeping great in general thanks to needing to pee every five minutes – and also Rafe has been really, really unsettled. But we are one more week closer to my husband coming back (hopefully next month) so just slowly adding to the things he needs to do/help me with when he’s back. Basically – you do everything pal. I’ll sit here and watch Peaky Blinders. (Thank you for the recommendations on box sets – decided to start with Peaky Blinders – as Tommy, well he ain’t bad to look at is he?)
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Had my 16-week midwife appointment this week. They never checked to hear Rafe’s heartbeat at my 16-week appointment in Scotland so it was a nice surprise they did this time. The midwife found the heartbeat straight away and I forgot how special that moment was. Like, there is an actual baby inside my tummy! I have to do another urine sample as my last tests showed either a) I have a urine infection b) I have Strep B c) It was a contaminated sample. If it is Strep B, I will have to be given an IV of antibiotics during labour. I was a bit alarmed when she put a big sticker on the front of my notes saying ‘ALERT!’ Group B Strep but the midwife assured me it was nothing to be worried about. Did anyone else find out they had Strep B when they were pregnant?

​I started pregnancy yoga classes this week. Last time round I followed a DVD which was great – but there is literally a class round the corner to me so I thought I’d give it a try. It was just what I needed to be honest – although gentle, I was reminded about how unflexible I actually am – with or without bump. The class is very focused on breathing and hypnobirthing techniques which is so relaxing – but I must admit I did struggle a little. At the beginning of the class, the teacher had us focus on breathing and imaging the different stages of labour. Naturally, I started having flashbacks. But I was in the best place to try and ground myself which was what I was taught in my sessions but it did make me realise as much as I can think to myself “I’m fine now” – although I might be able to deal with the flashbacks better than before I got help, I don’t think that memory of the fear will ever disappear. The trauma may feel less painful and 'real' but will always be there in some form. And there is always going to be triggers and moments that are difficult for me. And that is why I am going to reach out to someone to enquire about hypnobirthing classes (thank you to everyone who recommended looking into them). They are pricey but I think for me, personally, may be really what I need. I don’t want to go into labour anymore terrified than I need to be. Without putting any pressure on myself to have 'the perfect birth' this time round. I'm not even thinking that far ahead yet to be honest, but don't know whether I'm doing that subconsciously or whether it's because I have so much else going on.

​This week I have had really bad dizzy spells – did anyone else experience these during pregnancy? I can’t remember having these first time round. Also been extra moody too – but some might say it’s just my normal winning personality. Also feeling HUGE! Okay, I know I’m not huge but comparing bump photos, I look more like I was when I was 19-20 weeks. But I know people say you seem to show more second time round. But all the dizzy spells, mood swings and feeling podgy, don’t really matter when you hear that heartbeat – and also feel those first flutters, which I felt this week. It was around 19 weeks with Rafe but I think because I am more aware this time round as know what to feel, I’ve been able to feel movement this early, rather than thinking I’m just going to fart. There’s no other feeling like it. And suddenly makes it more real. Like I’m actually having a baby. I’m pregnant again. Madness. Good madness.

Really missing my husband this week. It's hard to try and fill in the weekends sometimes. It's a time where my friends have their own plans with their husband and kids, as I would if Chris would be back. And it's not like the 'good old days' of the 20's where I could always rely on one friend to go boozing with! But know this trip is nothing compared to the months and months he's been away before so just need to try suck it up! But it is hard. So if anyone has any stories about how annoying their partner has been this week, please share so I am reminded how annoying my own husband can be!!

Until next time,

Faye x