Just wanted a break....

“I’ve got my life back,” is something I have heard from other mums who have passed the baby stage, kids are off to school and although the constant worry never goes away – and you are still completely focused on your children – there is a ‘freedom' you have when a baby is not on your boob or a toddler is opening the door while you're having a poo. I am not wishing any of these stages away – they are moments (some!) I know I will wish I could relive over again. But this week I have felt, I don’t know what the right word is – if you could bottle up a ‘head in hands and shake of the head’ into words then that would be it. I was due to go out with friends last night. Maybe I was being over ambitious with Elijah only four months and still refusing a bottle but tried all week to give him some expressed milk but the poor fella has a virus (when is it not?) and isn’t sleeping (dare I say - 4 month sleep regression) so all he wants to do is lie next to me and find comfort on the boob. As Saturday night came closer it was obvious I wouldn’t be able to go out. And I didn't ugly cry but I was really looking forward to a night off. And sounds dramatic but worried my friends would forget about me – and stop inviting me out. I just wanted to let my hair down and not just be mum for a few hours. Rafe didn’t take a bottle till he was around 9 months and that's when I had my first 'proper' night out – so really it ain’t the end of the world. I guess it’s just the on going battle of missing your old life but wouldn’t change being a mum for the world. Another mum put it perfectly when she said it's like a 'loss of identity while simultaneously creating a new one where you’re supposed to know what you are doing and assume this 'new identity' without batting an eyelid!' But my grandma put it into perspective when she said the baby stage is so short. And then Elijah fell asleep in my arms and I remembered he wouldn't need me like this forever. And it's something to treasure - albeit I need sleep. Plenty of wild nights out to come. Like this one on my hen party where I've either slut dropped and can't get up - or vomited. Who wants to join me in going wild in my 40s? 🙋