Oh Rafe. My first born. The one who made me a mum. The one who stole my heart and my sleep. You never asked to be a big brother. But now you are. But you’re really just a baby yourself. You took to the role so beautifully but you never really understood the ‘baby' in my tummy you kept pointing at would become someone who would take up so much of your mum's time. And maybe some days you do feel left out. Your face lights up when you see your brother but you’ve started to get quite jealous. And you love to poke Elijah in the eye. I read the second baby book, I googled, I asked for advice but nothing quite prepares you for not being able to simply split yourself in two and give both your children the attention they need - at the same time. That sometimes your toddler needs a cuddle so you have to leave your baby to cry. Or your baby needs fed so you have to stick on YouTube and leave your toddler to entertain himself. And when trying to get them both to nap at the same time will require the patience of a saint – which you don’t have. So you will all end up crying. And saying ‘oh flipping flip flip flipping flip flip’. Might have used a different swear word...But waking up with you both when nobody is crying and you’re both smiling at me is the best feeling in the world and I remember how lucky I am. Then Elijah shits up my arm and you have an explosive nappy. So sometimes we don’t always have #makingmemories moments but wouldn’t change it for the world. Maybe the sleep. Sleep would be good.
With husband being away and it just being the three of us, I think it has hit Rafe that maybe baby might not be as fun as originally thought. That maybe he has to share my attention. When Chris was home, he would be able to play/sort Rafe out. Bath him, put him to bed. But now it’s just me, although I have help during the day some of the week (thank the lord for grandparents), he doesn’t ever really get my undivided attention. Even when I’m bathing him I’m normally having to shout ‘it’s ok Elijah!” (I have tried Elijah in a baby carrier when doing bedtime routine with Rafe but I can’t bend down or lift Rafe with him in it – so any suggestions are welcome?!) So as I said last post, most nights I normally have to just let him cry, quickly bath Rafe, put him on my boob, Rafe has his milk and read him a book. Run Rafe in his room, continue story, put him down, back on boob, Rafe will cry...go back to settle him...run back in to Elijah...honestly the other day they were both having a cry off. So that was fun! But just got to roll with it. At least I have support near by if needed and know plenty of other people who are in similar situations - I guess you still feel lonely though some nights. It's not just about putting kids to bed on own, as many mums and dads do, it's the not getting to talk to someone after. To go downstairs and say 'fuck me, that was eventful!' and have a laugh/ugly cry about it. But the plus of this is I can still eat biscuits for tea and binge on whatever I want on Netflix.
So I’ve digressed a little...but Rafe has been getting a bit jealous. When I’m feeding Elijah he tries to climb on me/Elijah. Or there are times where he tries to pull my hands off Elijah. Or he cries as he wants me to cuddle him or dance with him and I can't at that exact moment. You forget how much of a change this must be for him and he is obviously upset/affected by it. And still so young. He has been so upset when dropping him off at nursery, hysterical. It has been awful. Have a 3 week break now so hoping he settles before nursery starts again. But his reactions and emotions are understandable. He was my total focus and got attention off everyone – now he has to share that. So I’m trying to have some time alone with him as much as I can. I went to the park without Elijah this week and had a couple of hours with Rafe, which was so lovely. And when I’m not feeding Elijah and he is settled, I make Rafe my focus but the guilt still lives on. But don’t think mum guilt will ever go away. I keep reminding myself that when they’re older they will be the best of friends, in the meantime Elijah will just have to deal with getting a poke in his face everyday...
Last week our 6 week check-up went well. Nothing to worry about for either of us. Though I am going to see someone to talk about the birth but will go into that another time. I basically got quite emotional when speaking about what happened so I know I need to go over it properly with the birth reflection service I spoke about previously. So I'm going to book an appointment when back from Porto.
So yes. All great with the little man. Elijah is huge! I swear he is going to catch up with Rafe soon. When weighed a couple of weeks ago he was 12Ib 16oz. Such a chunk. And as for me, I’m at that awkward stage where I don’t fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, but my maternity clothes are baggy, so living in tracksuit bottoms and oversized shirts - so the bird lady from Home Alone 2 lives on! I forgot how you don't just put on weight - you get wide! Going to Portugal next weekend for my brother’s wedding so can’t really wear Adidas pants everyday – maybe get away with pj's? Oh and don’t even get me started on how slightly stressed I am about getting through the flights with a baby and a toddler – think I’ll be doing a new post about that!!! Rafe also had a check-up and was at the hospital this week about his heart. Rather than 6-month check-ups we need to go back in a year which is great news. Thr hole is getting smaller and still not affecting him. And hopefully next visit the hole will be closed, but if not consultant said he would still go on to lead a normal life and will not affect him. Which is such a relief.
I feel like I have a million other things to say/ask so might have to do a mid-week post! Also waffled quite a bit but some days I forget my own name. But it's all fun and games, until someone shits up your arm right?
I'll be in Porto next weekend so no blog post but hopefully still be able to post some photos on social media of me relaxing and enjoying cocktails. HAHAHA. Who am I kidding?! The dream though. The dream...
Till next time,
Royal Marine Wife. Mum to Rafe.