Questions and life lessons pondered this week:

1. Why aren’t babies born with all their teeth? (Would look slightly strange I know...)
2. Why do the ‘big teeth’ all come in at the same time?
3. Why is teething a mother trucking nightmare for baby and mum?
4. Don't presume the butternut squash soup your son is eating, which is now dripping on the floor and your dog is eating, is soup...
5. Trying to shave any part of your body with a bump in the way is pretty impossible – so I currently look like a patch-work quilt.
And finally...HAPPY HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! What can I say, not all heroes wear capes.

So where do we start? Teething. My old friend. Poor Rafe. It seems like everything comes at once - including teeth. Still has a cold so it’s like snot city all over his face, clothes, my clothes, sheets, in my hair – everywhere. And plus, as you've probably gathered, he’s been teething so bad this week. To be honest, I think he’s been teething for a couple of weeks as has been quite fussy food wise and really upset at night – and constantly rubbing his ear and putting his hands in his mouth. I had a little peer in his mouth and was so surprised at how many teeth he actually had! They all seem to have/or be coming in at once. Those big fucking molars coming in are not fun. And I feel like for the past couple of weeks I have pretty much given Rafe Calpol every night – cue slight panic/worry. And it’s like risking getting bit by an angry shark when you try and put Bonjela in his mouth. Sleep has been a bit hit or miss and to be honest baby number 2 is keeping me up a bit already – so once again, looking like the bird lady from Home Alone 2. My husband is back after a few weeks away and I tried desperately to look half presentable but trying to shave any part of your body with a bump in the way is pretty impossible – so I look like a patch-work quilt. He's a lucky man...But back to teething, I know we just need to ride the storm. Unless anyone has any miracle cures?!

We have a walker!!! Well kind of…well actually, yes he is walking. He’s walking unaided, a few steps here and there and he has started trying to zoom off on his own – with success! He only walks on his own if he knows he has me – or something (the ball pool normally) to fall into if he wobbles. So although he’s not running around yet – he is on his feet walking – just going to take some confidence and time to be properly mobile. It’s such a relief to see him taking those first steps on his own as I know those who have followed me for a while know I’ve been slightly worried (damn you google and comparing to other babies) but as everyone said – he will walk in his own time. Might be another few weeks before he is properly going – but he obviously just wanted to get going when he was ready to. So anyone else worried – I hear ya! But honestly, 9 times out of 10, it is nothing to worry about – obviously if you’re concerned speak to a doctor but from all the messages of reassurance I’ve had – everyone has said, they all do it when they're ready – whether that be at 11 months – or 18 months. And by the time they’re all in the school yard – nobody is going to be able to tell who walked when – they’ll all be running around like tornados!

Rafe’s also started being more vocal. Although he hasn’t mastered any new words – he seems to just be picking up on the noises things make. So a car is brum, a dog is woof, a duck makes a very cute quacking sound – and a lion is rara. I guess it must be easier for him to make the sounds – rather than put the words together? Mum is still a firm favourite – and hiya. He’s also signing too – thanks to Justin on CBeebies, he’s been copying without me prompting which is cute. So I guess all these interactions – verbal and non-verbal are good signs, I think?!

Had a midwife appointment this week. Totally forgot I had one last week so got a note through the door saying how important appointments were and felt bad I had forgotten. Just had so much on my mind – and like I’ve said before, second pregnancy is so different. Not that I’m any less grateful or excited, especially now baby is moving more – you just kind of forget that you’re pregnant sometimes, you don’t take the bump photo, you don’t read about what size vegetable your baby is at the moment – then you feel guilty! But most important thing is midwife was happy, baby is moving well and heartbeat was strong. And baby is size of butternut squash head apparently. Only other thing midwife mentioned that although my urine sample came back with no trace of Strep B, because it is transient and it showed up a few weeks ago – they will still administer the antibiotics in labour, just to be safe. Which is good - better to be safe. I'm feeling so big! And literally can't stop eating. This baby is going to come out loving chocolate as much as I do...

On hols now for a couple of weeks and husband is on leave too, which could not come quick enough. Although getting some house renovating done, looking forward to (trying to) chill out and having some family time. It will be the last holiday/good stint of time off we have together before baby number 2 arrives – which is kind of scary! Once I get back, only 8 weeks left of work which is just madness. Still can’t quite believe we are doing it all again so soon – and feel like I have a million questions but think that’s best for another post...

Might take a little break from blog while on hols, not sure. Will see how the two weeks go! Will still share some photos – and mini updates – on Facebook and Instagram. But in the meantime, to those whose kiddos are also going through teething – I salute you. Sending straight vodka your way…

Oh and to end on a good note...Rafe was having butternut squash soup for lunch the other day, noticed some drip on the floor and Yankee started eating it. Few minutes later realised it wasn't soup but Rafe had done an explosive nappy and shit everywhere. Was one of those moments where for a few seconds, I didn't know how to deal with it. Just run?! We made it though, with shit everywhere, but we made it....
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Till next time.
Faye x

P.s And HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! What can I say, not all heroes wear capes. Hope you all get to put your feet up and have a hot cuppa!

Short but kind of sweet blog post this week. Just wanted to mention some fun things Rafe has started to take great enjoyment in....
1. Wants to mostly feed himself now/put his face in his food.
2. Tries to escape when you are changing his nappy, also known as the Russian Roulette of 'is he going to shit on the carpet?'
3. Does not want to be dressed. Cue tantrum and crawling away so a quick change becomes a half an hour battle.
4. Everything is thrown on the floor. And it is absolutely hilarious.
5. Wants to be picked up. Doesn't want to be picked up. Wants to be picked up. Doesn't want to be picked up. And repeat x 50.
Oh and sleep. HA!
The list goes on...
Anyone else's baby now officially a 'proper toddler', also known as {insert your own choice of word here}? He's bloody brilliant though. ❤
.
How long is it till I can have wine?

Faye x

​“You really need to get him to self-settle.”
“You’re making a rod for your own back.”
“Babies need comfort and cuddles so you shouldn’t leave baby to cry.”
"Of course babies should be cuddled to sleep."
“If he only settles on your boob – what will you do when you stop breastfeeding?”
“Once baby number 2 comes, what are you going to do?”
MINE-F-FIELD. Vodka for breakfast sounds quite appealing right now. So seems the boobs were as I always thought – a magic, comfort inducing sleep miracle that when you take away, means it is pretty tough to get a toddler to sleep without shushing, cuddling, singing - and begging.

​I’m still feeling quite emotional about stopping breastfeeding and will randomly cry at different times of the day, like when I see breast pads in my wardrobe. Though I did give myself a talking to then. But like I said in my post last week, it became such a part of my life, it’s been really hard to let go. I thought Rafe was managing well – and I think he is – luckily he loves cow’s milk and enjoys his drink before bed. But getting him to actually settle is really quite hard – which I knew it would be. He would nurse for a while, become sleepy and had been quite easy to put down for a while (most of the time). I think sometimes you forget what a comfort breastfeeding is – so it is naturally going to help baby to feel sleepy and safe. And then to switch the routine and for him not to have that – although he hasn’t tried to ask to nurse too much (though the past couple of days he has been pulling at my top asking to nurse which is hard and feel so guilty) – he needs a cuddle and some help to get to sleep. Which is understandable and some days are good – and he will go to sleep after 10-minutes – and I do love the cuddles. But other times it’s a battle of putting down three, four, five times before he eventually settles – and he has been waking up through the night. He still has a bit of a cough and cold so I don’t think that is helping. And it might be because he is still has the sniffles and coughing in the night that it has been a challenging week for sleep – but I think the switch up of routine, stopping breastfeeding and the way he settles at night is causing these coffee in eyelids mornings. Yes, I can hear and read the advice about “not letting baby fall asleep on boob as will make it hard for you in the long-run” and I can see other advice about how important it is to cuddle your child to sleep and I can see my face in the mirror where I look like a bag of shite and well that says it all. I love cuddling Rafe to sleep – and I don’t necessarily want to not do that – but I do wish it was as easy as falling asleep in my arms after 5-10 minutes and then being able to put down. I know he can self-settle but it involves leaving to cry for a little bit and I just don’t have the energy and my hormones are going mental right now. But at the same time, I know if I can get him to be happy being put down sleepy and fall asleep – it’s going to help me when baby number 2 arrives as going to be so much harder. I guess I need to attempt the pick-up put down method again maybe? Or if anyone else has any tips on how they got their breastfed baby to sleep after you stopped would be flipping great right now.

​Rafe’s been so much better and although still has a bit of a cough, we only had to give him his inhaler for 5-days (which he is so good at now – hardly any tears thankfully!) and he looks like he has put on weight and is just full of beans and a bit like a tornado at the moment. And touch wood – his rash on his face has gone down. So not really sure what the allergic reaction was - and whether cow's milk was/is the issue. But he seems to be ok now. Still waiting for a referral letter for clinic and my health visitor couldn’t make her visit last week but going to get him weighed and then go from there. It’s been a worrying couple of weeks but he is so happy and full of himself this past week – it’s been such a joy to see.

​He’s took his first few proper steps too! I have to stand him up, flatten his feet and entice with chocolate but we made progress! He’s not ready yet to go but is wanting to get on his feet all the time so hoping it won’t be too long. I think what he really needs to do is be able to go from sitting to standing – without using us, the dog or furniture to get up. He is trying – he is almost doing a headstand but just can’t quite get up. It’s hard to help with this as needs to kind of do it himself – but if you have any tips – fire away please!

​Baby number 2 has started to become super active – well I can feel him/her kick and move so much more. Which is pretty exciting. I feel pretty big already and can’t quite believe I am almost 25 weeks! And starting to think how the fuck am I going to deal with 2 under 2?! But also trying to just chill the fuck out. I had my whooping cough injection this week and the nurse has three children – she said her first two, there was an age gap of three-and-a-half years – and then when baby number 2 was four months – she fell pregnant. So not much of a gap at all – and she reassured me you manage – and that such a small age gap is lovely. But obviously I know it’s not going to be all skipping through meadows and laughing and smiling. Now my pregnancy seems to be flying by (I bet it drags now!) I started thinking that I just can’t quite imagine this being the last time I’m pregnant. I just can’t imagine it. So trying to treasure everything. But at the same-time thinking – maybe we go for three?! Madness I know! Blame the hormones. As long as baby number 2 arrives healthy – I’ll be happy. And chances of husband and I having sex with 2 under 2 ever again is pretty slim anyway.

​I’ve been on antibiotics this week as have a UTI, which has been marvellous. But it’s my birthday today (21 again) so having a wild party tonight, shots, shots, shots! Maybe not…Husband is overseas again (thankfully not for long) so just having a quiet weekend with family. It's a bit shit he's not here but just one of those things and spent more birthdays since we have been together without him (violins). Can’t believe I’m 34. Like, how did that happen? Still look like a fresh 20-year-old though, if 20-year-olds have boobs down to their knees and crow’s feet’s and a moustache. But I know I’m lucky to have what I have – just would prefer a few less wrinkles and no beard – but can’t win them all.

So have a glass of wine and a tequila for me!

Till next time,

Faye x

To my 2am tears,

​​Nobody told you it would be this hard. The woman at the breastfeeding class passed you a plastic doll and told you how to position baby onto breast – and WHAM, baby was latched on. Simple as that! Yet it wasn’t for you, was it?

Your baby’s first feed seems like a distant memory and you kept asking, “am I doing it right?” But looking down at his dark, thick hair, his fingers entwined in yours, was a moment you will never forget.

The days that followed, you contorted your boobs and body and nipples (that got HUGE) to get your baby to latch on. And it was uncomfortable at times. Painful.

You will battle with nipple shields until they are thrown at your husband and his worthless nipples. You will want to give up, then the midwife will say your baby has put on weight and you will want to scream I DID THAT! So you will want to keep going. You will buy 500 breastfeeding pillows. Only to end up using a normal fucking pillow – which will go with you everywhere – though you dare feed in public yet (and are always, sadly scared to). You will try cradle position, cross-cradle, lying down, ‘laid back breastfeeding’ (note: this does not work for your droopy side boobs), rugby ball hold – which will work for you. You will get other mums to show you how to breastfeed, you will watch YouTube video after YouTube video – and some days you will think you’ve cracked it. Then he won't latch on properly and you’ll feel like you’ve failed.

You’ll think you aren’t producing enough milk as all baby wants to do is feed, feed, feed. Then you find out about cluster feeding at it will almost end you. You will be so exhausted that you will watch your husband snore in the night while you feed your son and resent him and his uninterrupted sleep. But something will keep you going. You set a goal of 6-months and come rain or shine – or cracked nipples you will fucking get there.

Lansinoh will be your best friend. You won’t understand why breast pads are so small so will use nappies instead. Making you feel and look even more sexier than when you had a giant pad on for weeks post-birth.

You will cry. A lot.

But then at 8-weeks, something others kept saying would happen – will. It clicks! You will still be exhausted and living in a biscuit tin but nursing will no longer be scary – or something you dread. It starts to become part of you. And those moments in the night, that sometimes were so lonely, are also the moments you will miss so much when they're over. The moments where it was just you and your baby – just the two of you. He would hold your hand and you would feel a bond that you couldn’t ever put into words. Just you two against the world. Because in all the chaos, it is the quiet time you both need. Remember it's not just about milk, you're his comfort too.

But you will want a break. At times, you will feel like you sacrificed a lot – tequila, your boobs, just some time without your wabs out. And you will try desperately to get baby to take a bottle after spending hours expressing – but your baby just won't take it. But that's okay.

You will make it to six-months! Why not try for a year? And then FUCKING MASTITIS. Motherfucker.

But every feed you drop as baby has more solids, you will cry. Though at times it is a welcome relief, it will be hard to let go and you will feel like the less he nurses, the less he needs you. Then your baby turns one – but you want to carry on a little longer - and he still wants to nurse. Despite the comments and the disapproving remarks: “you’re still feeding him?" "Yes, Carol, I fucking am.” Everyone is judged, however they feed their baby – just remember it’s your choice, you keep doing what you feel is best for you and your baby.

Then as the months go on, you get down to two feeds a day. (Two feeds – I know, imagine that?!) And those are the feeds you will treasure the most. In the morning when he is still sleepy and you fit together like a jigsaw and then before bed, when he falls asleep by your side.

Now with baby number 2 on the way (don't panic), you know it is time to let go – for you and your baby. Especially now nursing a toddler has become a wrestling match of hair pulling, biting and somersaults.

17-months of tears.
17-months of nipple cream.
17-months of leaking.
17-months of magic.
17-months of joy.
17-months of love.

​And that last feed, you will sob. And you will say: “that was the last time I will feed you son. But it has been an absolute privilege”. And it may sound corny and ridiculous to others – but it really will feel like a privilege. And an absolute joy. And for days, weeks you will feel so lost. A part of you is over. A time where it was just you and your boy and nobody else in the world, is over. And you won't be able to put it into words what the experience has meant to you, but you will try. And you will miss it. So much. You will miss his fingers entwined in yours as he lay by your side. You will miss his stillness. You will miss the moments when he would sometimes stop for a break and look up at you and smile and you’d feel like your heart would burst. You will miss it all. You will even miss the fucking breast pads. You will just miss the moments that at times you dreaded, you wanted to end.
​
Because for you, though one of the hardest things you will ever do - it is one of the absolute best. And I know you’re crying now at 2am because you just feel like you will never get it. But you will. And I promise you, that when it’s all over – and your milk has dried up. All you will want to do is go back to the beginning and start again. And it will break your heart this little chapter that has been such an important part of both of your lives has ended.

So treasure the moments you are missing now. And stop giving yourself a hard time. You’re doing your best. That’s all us mums are ever trying to do. And give yourself a little high five.

​And he still needs you. He always will.

x