So if I found a magic lamp and a genie granted me three wishes, they would be:

1. To sleep
2. To sleep
3. To sleep

And if he was being generous, my fourth would be to have a body like Jenna Dewan Tatum. But we can't have it all.

So you know when you're pregnant and you're constantly up and down weeing for England and people say it's your body's way of preparing you for losing sleep and waking up through the night? HAHAHAHAHAHA. NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING prepares you for this type of exhaustion. The type of exhaustion that when your husband (who is away) messages you to see how you are, you just reply two words: "I'm fucked." I used to be such a light sleeper. It was a running joke how I would need absolute silence, darkness and an eye mask and eye plugs to sleep. My husband always tells the story of when we first started going out and I would stay over. To start with, we would be pretty much drunk every night (living the dream) so I would pass out. But then, when we realised we also liked each other sober, one morning he says he woke up and started talking to me and I turned around and shouted: "WHAT?" while lifting up my eye mask and popping out my ear plugs. Maybe it's funnier when he tells it? Anyway, my point is. I don't need silence or darkness now, I genuinely think I could fall asleep standing up, at a football match at Wembley, in the day, with 50,000 people screaming. As you've probably gathered the four month sleep regression is going really well. Send coffee. Lots of it...

It's not like I was having loads of sleep beforehand. The newborn days were of course mind numbingly exhausting but as the weeks went on and the cluster feeding and hourly wake ups stopped, Rafe started giving us a few good days of long stretches of sleep - four to six hours at a time. With two feeds in the night. A couple of times only one. Which was amazing. But now, it's literally every hour. I see every hour of the clock. (Not always to feed - just needs settling.) And he's taking hours to put down after his bath and bedtime feed. So it can be - wake for a feed, feed for up to an hour, take an hour to settle and wind, then up again in an hour. Rafe used to be good (unless he had wind) of going straight back to sleep after a feed and not really waking up properly. Now it's like TING I'm wide awake at 3.30am. He's smiling away which is cute - but it would be cuter if he slept. During the day it's disaster nap after disaster nap - with the odd few successes where he's had okay naps. (Still 30 minute naps.) But few and far between. I guess we just have to ride the storm until this phase passes but it's, as I said last week - fucking emotional.

His fussiness during his feeds during the day (great at night) are at a whole new level. Please tell me I'm not the only one? Just coming on and off, on and off. I have bought a teething necklace recommended by someone after my last post (thank you!) so hopefully that will help - will let you know. Trouble is, I don't think he's emptying my breasts properly sometimes as I actually had a swollen lymph gland under my armpit this week. I didn't feel ill, or have any signs of mastitis so just massaged it and put heat on it, which seemed to have helped it go down. Any one else had this? He's also started literally almost ripping my nipple off when he's finished feeding too so that's fun!

Rafe is supposed to make leaps and bounds in his development these next few weeks but in some respects I feel like has stalled. He used to love rolling on to his side and trying to do a full roll, but seems to have totally lost interest. Which is normal at this stage apparently. Yet he is kicking and punching like he is going to take off and is even more active. He's always been quite vocal but now it's like he is having a conversation with you and is making gaa and goo sounds which is proper cute. So I guess he's changing and developing in different ways. So although these few weeks are a challenge - hearing him chat away makes it worth it. Kind of....

So, it's lent next week so I have vowed to give up biscuits and chocolate. Okay maybe just chocolate or....shall I just give up biscuits? Or just try not to eat a whole biscuit tin every day? (Deciding what to try and not shovel in my face for six weeks reminds me of when my mum said she was going to give up cereal bars for lent!! 🤣 Okay mum, I’m going to give up seeds....) I'll let you know how I get on....I also really want to try and get fit again. I saw a photo of Jenna Dewan Tatum (Channing Tatum's wife) the other day and I almost cried. I'm not overly bothered(ish) about my weight. I guess it's just about doing something for me again. And plus it's my two year wedding anniversary in March and I wouldn't mind losing a few pounds so if we do go out and I don't have a baby attached to my boobs - I might look almost human - less saggy potato sack. Will need to take a lawnmower to my legs and get rid of my beard too - but let's take it one step at a time. I'm going to download Emily Skye's app too, so let's see how I get on....

And finally, in my sleep deprived state I have been extra emotional. I saw this poem and obviously lost it. Thought I'd leave it with you all to read/lose it too.

Faye x

So it's been a fun week. If fun means waking up in the morning and saying: "well that was fucking emotional," while pouring coffee into your eyeballs. Can you tell we've hit the four month sleep regression? This is not a milestone I particularly wanted to hit and I naively hoped that Rafe would miraculously skip this one. HAHAHA. I have been googling the shit out of this stage. "When will it end?" being the most searched. The infamous four month sleep regression is possibly the biggest ever change in baby's sleep apparently. From what I've read, it basically means baby is now conscious of sleep as they now wake between each sleep cycle. (Get me being all scientific.) So basically just when you think you've overcome the newborn weeks' of no sleep (shudder) and baby is waking only twice in the night, the universe comes and smacks you in the face and you feel like you're back to square one. On average Rafe's been up at least every two hours through the night - not always feeding but most of the time he does. The other night he actually slept 12-6, PRAISE THE LORD but that was after a 45 minute screaming match during his first nighttime feed so I think he had exhausted himself. But I thought - maybe he's cracked sleeping already - what a genius! Nope. The next night I pretty much saw every hour on the clock. So basically I'm looking for miracle ways to help get us both through this stage without too many tears. Though I know it's probably a case of just riding the storm. But advice would be great....Do you feed every time your baby wakes to settle back to sleep - or just try and settle? Will he just miraculously work out how to sleep longer than two hour stretches? Can I drink wine for breakfast?

As well as joyous night wakings - he is refusing naps completely. I mentioned the other week he had been doing this but it's daily now. Mostly his two morning naps - and he tends to go down for the afternoon nap - for a long... 30 minutes. But it takes a hell of a lot of persuasion to do so. I don't understand - I'd LOVE to have three naps a day. Sometimes I think I must look hilarious to my neighbours. The other day he was fighting his sleep so the only way to get him to settle was to gallop around the living room like a horse. But it worked. So I'll pretty much do anything and impersonate all farm animals if it gets him to sleep. The nap situation is making bedtime less fun as he just gets so upset and is overtired. WELL IF YOU SLEPT DURING THE DAY YOU WOULDN'T FEEL LIKE THIS WOULD YOU SON? He normally has one good feed on one side then screams for 15 minutes before settling on the other side. Though the other night, like I said earlier it was 45 minutes of non-stop tears. Just send wine. Not that I can drink much still. Maybe I can just smell it?

He's also been a bit of a fuss pot during feeds. Coming on and off the boobs. So much so, milk spurts in his face. (I don't laugh. 🙈) I think a lot of it is the leap he is going through (leap+four month sleep deprivation= send help) and he's also so much more aware (or nosey like his mum) and is getting distracted. I always try and have a quiet room if I'm in the house when feeding but any other ideas to help him be less distracted during feeds? Have you seen them breastfeeding necklaces - do they work?

Rafe has been sniffly for a couple of weeks but fine within himself - but on Friday he developed a bit of a cough and has been even more unsettled the past two nights and up every hour or so. We took him to out of hours yesterday as you can see he is working a bit harder to breathe and obviously overly cautious because of his heart. The doctor wasn't too concerned and said he has a virus and an upper respiratory wheeze - but it's not on his chest. Thankfully. Just need to keep an eye on the little sleep thief. Hate seeing him poorly. But he's still full of beans and smiling away. It just seems to be the night he gets worse. But sure he will be on the mend in no time.

A highlight of the week has to be hartbeeps again. Honestly I actually get excited to go! It's literally the rock and roll of my week. Oh how times have changed. Rafe was dressed in a shower cap and we sang a rap about brushing your teeth. Told you - rock and roll. Who needs Friday night tequilas when you're rapping 'brush, brush, brush your teeth?'

Rafe's started blowing raspberries which is bloody cute. And although we have had a bit of a tough week - he still loves story time after his bath. We are reading Beatrix Potter at the moment (erm, I can't remember it being as traumatic. That Mr McGregor is an evil fucker. Almost as traumatic as the nursery rhyme I love little pussy. You heard me.) and when I'm lying down reading to him and he is staring up at me, I feel truly complete.

And finally - I hope everyone who is going through the four month sleep regression is suitably caffeined up to the eyeballs to tackle another day of screaming in their head: "PLEASE (insert appropriate swear word here) SLEEP!!!!!" Good luck!!!

Faye x