Anxiety

Rafe is at Harry Potter Studio with his dad and fam today. Travelled down to London yesterday. Obviously I wanted to go but thought it would be too much for Elijah, especially as he hates being in the car! I have been a little anxious all weekend, even though I know Rafe will have an amazing time.

Before kids I was very much like 'I'm going to be a relaxed mum, be able to leave them with grandparents for sleepovers, go away without them...' where in reality that couldn't be further from the truth. Rafe hasn't stayed out much at all, (me breastfeeding him for 17-months was of course one big reason) and it's not because I don't trust him with grandparents, they're amazing. I just get anxiety being away from him at night/longer than a day. I've never been overly anxious - a worrier but not an anxious person. And I don't know whether this relates to my birth trauma (with both) and PTSD or whether I was always going to get some anxiety being away from the kids for certain lengths of time. I also get irrational thoughts connected to this anxiety too (e.g. worried about the car journey down - what could happen). But I can rationalise these thoughts. I don't think I need 'help' with this anxiety, it just has its moments, it's not an everyday occurrence.

Also, I don't know whether because we have never really got into a routine of having Rafe stay out sometimes (breastfeeding/husband away a lot/pregnant/Elijah arrived) that I don't even contemplate it. I know it is normal and healthy to have time away from your kids and trust me there are nights I am like - GET ME OUTA HERE. But sometimes the reality of taking a step back is harder than it seems. And with Elijah still exclusively on the boob, it's not like I could have had a 'night off' recently anyway! Guess I just sometimes worry people judge me because I don't necessarily jump to have a night apart from the kids. (I don't ever judge anyone that does!) But I guess I've tried to explain it a little here. Or maybe I haven't really explained it all. 🙈 Does anyone else feel the same?

Been lovely to have some one on one time with the sleep thief though. ❤ Will try and get a 'proper' blog post out soon! 😘