Hit a wall last week. A big fat fed-up wall. I have cried and just generally felt like crap and then guilty for feeling crap so cried again. And then got rage - for no reason. So this is a generally ‘a having a moan post’. I have really bad back pain now which just seems to be down my left side (midwife thinks it could be sciatica) so combined with the weeing every two minutes – I ain’t getting any sleep (I know it’s only going to get worse). I’m just genuinely a bit fed up to be honest. And I feel fat. And it’s lovely to hear comments from others saying I look well – but I just don’t feel it. I can’t roll over in bed without making some kind of groaning pig noise and with the shortness of breath – I just feel like a troll.
I’ve asked to finish early on maternity leave (was going to go at 38 weeks). To be honest, I thought with working from home, I would be able to work even later than 38 weeks but sitting by a desk all day is not helping the back pain. I can’t sit, or even lie down for longer than fifteen minutes without getting shooting pains (woe is me). I think I’d actually be better off having an 'active job' as I don’t feel too bad walking around. But I'd probably be complaining about being on my feet by now....I felt so guilty asking to finish work a week early – which sounds ridiculous but after speaking to my friend, who is a mum-of-two – she said the ‘mum guilt’ only gets worse. And I haven’t even had the baby yet. I guess I feel like because I work from home, I should be working till baby is pretty much popping out – like I should be well-rested and feeling fabulous. But I feel the opposite and worry that others will judge me for it. Which sounds ridiculous – as I shouldn’t care what other people think and maybe it’s a mix of crazy hormones too – but the guilt has started. I really need to stop comparing myself to others. Just because flipping Jeanette from down the road worked up to week 40 and was running around looking fabulous – doesn’t mean I should feel guilty for not feeling like that. Or for needing to finish work early. Or feel guilty for not enjoying being pregnant this week. Don’t get me wrong, it’s had its moments of pure joy – but as I get closer to D-day, it’s just a mix of (excuse me if this is TMI) constipation, excess vaginal discharge, back pain, shortness of breath, peeing every five minutes, no sleep, feeling exhausted, back pain – oh the back pain, crying for no reason and just feeling like a fat, unattractive blob. It’s like being on a rollercoaster of emotions and genuine pain and uncomfortableness, which you want to get off – but it’s never ending. But I’ve got five weeks to go – so I can only imagine it’s going to get better…right?!
We had our final antenatal class this weekend which was all about infant feeding. The one before was about the ‘early days’ after giving birth. So it touched on the delightful first nappy, maternity pads and the baby blues. The midwife played a crying baby audio on her phone and then started passing a doll to each couple saying – 'what would you do?' Which I think we all found slightly traumatic to be honest. We all looked at the baby and then looked at her and then just didn’t quite know what to do. But it was good to see other couples looking as equally terrified as we were. She did say that as soon as your baby comes, you will have that moment of panic but you will know what to do….do you? The infant feeding class was unsurprisingly tailored towards breastfeeding – and again the doll came out, which us women all had to hold and pretend we were trying to get our baby to latch on. Slightly awkward – but they had biscuits on tap during this class so I was pretty happy.
So what are my highs and lows of the week?
High of the week: Knowing that we will have our little arrival next month – or even this month if he/she decides to make an early appearance. (Please don’t be late.) Also, apparently I need to eat 200-300 more extra calories now – pass me the cake.
Low of the week: Just generally feeling very sorry for myself and being over dramatic.
Pregnancy rage: How many times do I actually need to go to the fucking toilet?
Product of the week: Quavers. Give me all the Quavers you have in the shop please.
Exercise: I’ve managed CrossFit once, the gym once and walking the dog every day. It is starting to get very difficult though. We took the dog out yesterday for a walk and I had to stop and sit quite a few times to get my breath. Told you - fat troll.
So I'll try not to be too much of a whinge in my next post.....Oh and still really stuck on girl names so any suggestions would be great!
Royal Marine Wife. Mum to Rafe.