Here we fucking go again. I think my introduction to the four month sleep regression with Rafe was something along the lines of ‘help, I’m pouring coffee into my fucking eyeballs’. Which really is the perfect way to introduce the four month sleep regression. Throw in a snotty nose and well, we are pretty fucked. (Disclaimer: I say the f word a lot in this post). I remember thinking with Rafe if we were lucky to have another baby I would make sure they can self settle early on so we wouldn’t be hit in the face with this regression. HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA ok then pet. Anything for an easy life and I know what works – boob and cuddled to sleep – just like Master Rafe. It's hard to try and let Elijah cry a little as petrified he will wake Rafe so as soon as he wakes (normally 30 minutes after I’ve put him down – just like Rafe did), I am sprinting up the stairs like Usain Bolt to avoid two children having a meltdown and me crying into the biscuit tin. With the poor fella full of cold – still – he is so unsettled too. Went to the doctors but they said it was just a virus – oh good old viruses. So as well as Rafe picking up nursery germs – he is bringing them straight back to Elijah. Trying to remember – all good for the immune system in the long run but it’s difficult to think positively when you haven’t slept since 2017. The only way he does settle for a longer stretch is if he is next to me. But it's like a Russian Roulette every night - up every hour one night, has two hour stretches the next. Either way we ain't get much beauty sleep - hello bird lady from Home Alone 2. We meet again. I always tried to avoid getting into the routine of bringing Rafe into bed with me, one because I was so paranoid about co-sleeping and two I didn’t want to make it difficult to get him in his cot. But with Elijah, it just seems to work that way and if he settles by me (obvs make it safe for him to sleep by me) I will do anything to help him get some sleep – and me of course. I know I’m probably going against all the baby book advice and I need to try and get him to self settle but sometimes you’ve got to just do what works for you and your baby – at that moment in time. And right now it's just about us both getting some sleep and I’d sleep upside down on my head if it helped. Just kind of forgot how brutal this stage was, think I blocked it out – and how a cold can really wipe out a baby. I also just feel like....am I doing something wrong to be going through this all again? At a baby class this week I seemed to be surrounded by babies who are younger than Elijah and are sleeping through. Took all my strength not to yell – WHAT THE FUCK?!! Please can someone remind me that other babies don’t sleep too?! Just trying to remember the four month sleep regression doesn’t last forever – then it’s the 8 month....and Rafe does sleep well now but took a good year and a bit. It’s ok though – coffee into my fucking eyelids is how to survive!
Rafe has had horrendous diarrhoea this week. Poor thing woke up the other day and he must have been sleeping in it for a little while. When I picked him up he was covered from head to toe. Had to put him straight in the bath while trying not to cry with guilt as he had basically been sleeping in his own poo. Mum of the year! Had him at the doctors too as they wanted to see him as his poo was really pale in colour but again – said it was just a virus. But then we had a proper scare on Thursday. He was with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law and out of the blue just started hyperventilating and couldn’t breathe. My sister-in-law is a nurse and also the kind of person who you would want to be with when this kind of thing happens as just so calm. She managed after five minutes to get Rafe’s breathing back to normal. Then he started hyperventilating again but managed to regulate breathing and rang me and we took him to hospital where he was running around like nothing had happened. Despite giving us all a mini heart attack they were not concerned and after doing his observations they couldn’t say what had happened but that it might have been him spiking a temperature which caused the hyperventilating. No other symptoms apart from diarrhoea to cause concern (he hadn't just eaten anything to cause a reaction). It’s just hard as you I an relieved he is ok but also such a worry as I don’t know what caused it for certain. But he is ok now and all that matters. Just a constant worry every second of the day. Has anyone else’s toddler had something similar happen?
On a positive note Rafe had his two year check up with his health visitor and there were no concerns and really happy with how he is getting on. How ridiculous were some of the questions though? ‘If you put a raison in a bottle, will you child try and get it out?’ Erm, don’t think we have tried that one. After going from worrying about his speech months ago, he seems to have come on so much in the last couple of months and just goes to show that all children develop at different rates and on the most part, you don’t need to worry. But you do obviously. Once they are running round the school yard nobody is going to be able to tell who walked at 10 months or who walked at 19 months – or who said their first words later than everyone else. There is just feel this pressure to hit these milestones – which I know are there in place for a reason but it doesn’t half stress you out. Like Elijah has rolled over both ways – but has decided he doesn’t want to do it anymore and now I’m stressing about that which is ridiculous. Honestly need some vodka in my coffee I think.
Thank you for all your messages about Yankee. He is thankfully back to his old mad self! Fingers crossed whatever had caused the abscess and damage to the throat was completely removed during the surgery. Such a worry but feel very lucky he is ok.
I wish I could keep up with the weekly blog posts but been a bit full on the past few weeks so might have to be once a month – with little posts in-between – as long as people are still enjoying reading! Always grateful for everyone’s messages – always good to know I’m not the only one covered in poo and sick – and surviving on coffee!
Till next time,
“I’ve got my life back,” is something I have heard from other mums who have passed the baby stage, kids are off to school and although the constant worry never goes away – and you are still completely focused on your children – there is a ‘freedom' you have when a baby is not on your boob or a toddler is opening the door while you're having a poo. I am not wishing any of these stages away – they are moments (some!) I know I will wish I could relive over again. But this week I have felt, I don’t know what the right word is – if you could bottle up a ‘head in hands and shake of the head’ into words then that would be it. I was due to go out with friends last night. Maybe I was being over ambitious with Elijah only four months and still refusing a bottle but tried all week to give him some expressed milk but the poor fella has a virus (when is it not?) and isn’t sleeping (dare I say - 4 month sleep regression) so all he wants to do is lie next to me and find comfort on the boob. As Saturday night came closer it was obvious I wouldn’t be able to go out. And I didn't ugly cry but I was really looking forward to a night off. And sounds dramatic but worried my friends would forget about me – and stop inviting me out. I just wanted to let my hair down and not just be mum for a few hours. Rafe didn’t take a bottle till he was around 9 months and that's when I had my first 'proper' night out – so really it ain’t the end of the world. I guess it’s just the on going battle of missing your old life but wouldn’t change being a mum for the world. Another mum put it perfectly when she said it's like a 'loss of identity while simultaneously creating a new one where you’re supposed to know what you are doing and assume this 'new identity' without batting an eyelid!' But my grandma put it into perspective when she said the baby stage is so short. And then Elijah fell asleep in my arms and I remembered he wouldn't need me like this forever. And it's something to treasure - albeit I need sleep. Plenty of wild nights out to come. Like this one on my hen party where I've either slut dropped and can't get up - or vomited. Who wants to join me in going wild in my 40s? 🙋
Eight years ago, my husband was on patrol in Afghanistan on his forth operational tour. His Sergeant was trying to set us up on a blind date. Chris asked – “So what is she like?” He replied: “Loves the booze mate. Loves the booze!” “Is she pretty? Is she funny?” "Loves the booze mate. Loves the booze!” Surprisingly, he still wanted to meet me and the week he got back we met with some friends and before we'd even said hello I knocked back a tequila. (God, I used to be fun.) I remember my mum texting to ask how it was going and I replied something corny and she said ‘best buy a hat!’ Never would have thought years down the line she would. 8 years together. 3 years married. 4 house moves all across he country. 2 gorgeous boys – and not forgetting Yankee. It will be our official ‘changed our relationship status on Facebook’ anniversary on Tuesday (we pretty much got drunk together for first few weeks!)
You meet someone in the military and you don’t imagine how hard it will be. You open up your life to them but then you also have to learn to get on with your life without them whether that be days, weeks or months and months. Some weeks without any contact and every day, even if they are in the country you never know when they will ring. Or whether you can get a hold of them. Or when you do speak to them, sometimes it’s just a conversation of “I can’t hear you. What? What? Fucking signal!" And it can be lonely. I’ve lived miles away from family, lived round the corner from family – either way, it’s lonely. Throw in kids, a dog, a mortgage, him still not knowing where to put his dirty washing (NOT ON THE FLOOR) and some lows – and some amazing highs – we are still here. Like all relationships it's hard but I’m lucky that I get to miss someone everyday. And it can be romantic. Writing letters and the excitement of that blue envelope coming through the door. It also makes you appreciate the small things. The things you don’t think you’ll miss but you do. It’s been quite the adventure these past eight years – but wouldn’t want to go through life without anyone else. How did you meet your partner? Love hearing other people’s stories! Please tell me I’m not the only one whose involved tequila!
I was nailing being a mum on Friday. All fed and dressed by 7.30. I'd epilated my moustache the night before so felt like a new woman. We made some cookies (instant packet for the win) which Rafe loved doing, despite 'him' leaving them in the oven for too long so you lost a tooth eating them. Rafe counted to ten and I wanted to cry with pride. Took Yankee out in the stotting rain, Elijah napped, while Rafe kept throwing his socks on the floor. But it was ok. Cos I was NAILING IT. Then all Rafe wanted to eat was his biscuits. But went to Hartbeeps and they were a dream. Got home and needed the loo and two minutes peace but Rafe kept banging on the door screaming IGGLE PIGGLE. He refused to eat his tea despite me shouting EAT THE PASTA. Then I felt bad for shouting. Both crying as tired and refused to nap earlier. Then Elijah wanted boob but needed to clean the pasta off the floor and tell Rafe he couldn’t have another flipping biscuit. Then he took his nappy off and I had to chase him round the room. Elijah did a massive poo. Husband FaceTimed from overseas and I’d been looking forward to his call all day but I went into a massive mood when he said he hadn’t been busy all day. Then cried after because I miss him and was a cow bag. Both kids bathed. Elijah fell asleep on boob so got to read Rafe a story in peace and he hugged and gave me a kiss on the cheek without asking and my heart exploded. Both unsettled for a while. Finally came downstairs to a bomb site of toys to tidy up. Had a bag of ‘more to share' maltesers for tea. On Instagram saw Joe Wicks had made his daughter a super healthy meal and Rafe had pretty much had biscuits and a yogurt all day. And I felt like I was a bad mum. Then remembered how lucky I was and felt guilty for wanting to have a poo in peace. Guess that’s what being a mum is all about, moments of pure happiness, to just needing a break, to joy and overwhelming feelings of pride, to feelings of absolute exhaustion and self doubt. It’s an absolute rollercoaster but must be doing something right when they both just look at me and smile for no reason. Just because they wanted to. We’ve got this mamas.
You kind of expect the guilt the impact having a second child may have on your first born. The feeling left out. The jealousy. Not having that ‘one on one’ time. It's tough. Tougher than I imagined. But I never really thought about the guilt I’d feel for my second child. With Rafe it was all about routine, getting him to sleep (trying) at the same time every day, making sure he has tummy time, goes to a few baby classes, make sure he has ‘play time’, gets some fresh air, a feeding routine....but with Elijah. Some days I just feel so guilty because it still is all about Rafe. He's in and out the car seat, off to one of Rafe's classes, in the pram at the park, breastfeeding him on a bench on the beach while almost getting blown away because I wanted to take Rafe to the beach, can't even attempt any type of nap routine, still just breastfeeding totally on demand and if we are in the house some days he just sits and watches me run after Rafe. And although we do have days where we have some alone time, we squeeze in some tummy time and he does have a baby class on his own – there are days where the only time I feel like I’ve paid one on one attention to him, is when Rafe is asleep and he’s lying on my chest before I put him down to sleep. And I leave him to cry more than I did Rafe as sometimes that's all I can do. Oh and at the moment he doesn’t have any of his own toys, or books, most are/were Rafe's – and so many of his clothes are Rafe's too. And I know he won't care or even remotely understand any of that but I just don’t want him to ever feel he was second best. I just feel guilty. Like I’m not giving him all of me – but likewise I’m the same with Rafe. If only you could split yourself in two ay?
So yeah, the mum guilt lives on. I haven’t written a post in a while as been a bit manic with husband away and both kids and me having a cold. Rafe was back at nursery one day and had a full on snotty nose which he gave to me and Elijah so it really wasn’t overly fun for any of us. Nights were pretty rough especially when Rafe was waking up crying and I had to basically run between them both to settle them. Or dealing with Rafe’s horrendous nappies that ended up all over his bed, his hands – the carpet downstairs. And his final tooth has come through which has been a mother fucker. Poor thing has been really upset with it and must have been in pain. Put that’s all teeth in now! Amen. Just got to wait for Elijah to start teething...
Husband has been away for a few weeks but came back on Tuesday for the week and when I took Rafe to nursery he had Elijah for literally half an hour to try and get him to sleep. Came back and he looked broken and simply said – I couldn’t do this all the time like!” “I’ve only been away fucking half an hour!!!” Haha. To be fair Elijah was refusing to nap which can be really frustrating. Honestly my kids hate naps. I must be doing something wrong. 🤦🏻♀️ Some days he will just fall asleep on his own, other days I need to pop him in the pram, other days shush him – or the car normally does the trick – normally only for 30 minutes like Rafe used to knock out. Or some days he screams and screams and fights it – or the other day he fell asleep in the car, brought him in the house and slept for two and a half hours. I was in shock! I don’t know whether he just hates naps like Rafe did, or whether because I haven’t really for a nap routine down yet he is just all over the place, or because he just wants to sleep when he wants. I just really don’t want to be obsessively googling sleep schedules again but might have to be done. Anyone got a good routine for a 3 month old or is it impossible with a toddler in the mix too?!
Can’t believe Rafe will be two next week. Actually want to cry. Just want time to slow down. He is growing so fast. Everyday he seems to learns a new word and he is such a character. I asked for recommendations for birthday presents (thank you!) and we are doing the four present rule which I think is such a good idea (again thank you!). Something they want, something they need, something to wear, something to read. So we have for him a balance bike, some wellies, an outfit and a pack of Gruffalo books. Someone asked me to share other ideas from people so here you go:
Went to the doctors about Elijah's reflux and at the time it had been a bit better a few days. He was still being sick quite a bit but wasn’t screaming like he was in pain or constantly crying. The doctor said sometimes with reflux or colic, 12 weeks was like a ‘magic period' for some babies and it settled itself so I have been monitoring him to see when it is worse and if it happens more when I have eaten something (cow's milk in particular the doctor recommended). He still has moments of crying after a feed but a good burp normally helps and he can be squirmish on the boob, especially in the morning when boobs are fuller so have been taking him off and burping him and then popping him back on or giving him a break. Also keeping him upright after a feed which many of you recomended which helps. He is still sick quite a bit but kind of accepted I will be covered in baby barf for quite a while and as long as he is putting on weight and not distressed then nothing to worry myself over. Doctor said could give him gaviscon or ranitidine if still bad but will see how we go. Really feel for people whose baby has colic or really bad reflux and doesn’t settle as that week where he was screaming pretty much constantly was so tough. It really does affect you so I hope anyone going through that is getting some support as it is relentless.
Just having a small family party next weekend. Feels like yesterday we were celebrating his first birthday. I actually want to cry at how fast he is growing up. He is a proper chatter box, loves to sing makes my heart explode when he tries to say certain words. He is obsessed with the free hero cards from Sainsbury’s at the mo. He loves saying Peter Pan which I can hear him saying as he goes to sleep which is bloody cute. Or when he says ‘big truck’ and is sounds like something else...My friend’s son when he was a bit younger (for context her husband is called Paul) turned around one day and said: “for fuck's sake man Paul!!” So best start watching what I’m saying! Has your child said anything funny/copied you?
Best go give my husband a few jobs to do till back to work. Till next time,
You may have your brother's babygrow on – but that doesn’t make you second best,
We may only have stolen moments of quiet - when you’re lying on my chest.
Your brother may seem jealous some days and poke you in the eye,
But I promise one day son, he will be your best friend for life – just give it time.
You may not be the first we cheered on those wobbly first steps,
But that doesn’t mean we won’t be cheering as loud - or they’ll be celebrated any less.
You may not have been the first to make tiny footprints in my heart,
But I will love you always - and will forever hold your hand in the dark.
You weren’t our first - but you’re our missing jigsaw piece, you’re exactly where you belong,
You may not have made me a mum my son - but you’ve made me a braver one.
Remember when you would climb into bed and think ‘I’m going to have the best night's sleep tonight'? And you'd wake up after 8-hours sleep and feel like a million dollars. Or when 5 hours sleep was a ‘really bad' night where in reality now, 5 hours would be the DREAM. With us all full of cold (cheers first week back at nursery), Rafe also teething and Elijah who I think may have reflux (doctors next week) and husband away, I’ve been living on broken dreams and gallons of coffee, running between two bedrooms throughout the night like some kind of Benny Hill sketch which isn’t remotely funny.
I have a recurring dream where I get to escape for the night. Not to anywhere exotic, literally the Premier Inn up the road (cheap date 😂). Where I can check-in, just me and sleep for 12 glorious hours. What a dream. I have said before how amazing it would be to have sleep clinics for mums to go and just rest and sleep, have a hot cup of tea, a poo in peace and to not have to put a load of washing in as soon as you peel your eyelids open.
I’ll never forget during Rafe’s four month sleep regression when I sent my dad out into the street as I swore the neighbours chimney was on fire. Totally hallucinating. And this week, although no fires, I’ve just felt like I’ve had permanent sand in my eyes moments.
Although this week hasn’t been all #cherisheverymoment days, we’ve had some great moments. Went for a long walk on Friday and my uterus didn’t feel like it was going to fall out so all good. Kids even slept for some of it and I didn’t once say ‘for fuck's sake Yankee’. Elijah, despite crying A LOT has been giving some amazing smiles and Rafe is keeping me entertained on his keyboard and could give the Backstreet Boys a run for their money. Also spent the day at the farm yesterday with my mum and dad. Rafe LOVES animals. My dad almost fed Elijah to the goats but think he had fun. It's amazing how good you feel just getting out the house, however long it may take to get out the door, it does you good in the end. Oh and took Elijah to Rafe's hartbeeps class on Friday and he loved it! So yeah tears and exhaustion this week – with a few amazing memories thrown into the mix!
New blog post hopefully next week! X
P.s More photos from the week on my Facebook and Instagram page!
Going on holiday with a newborn and a toddler is not a holiday. It’s basically all the stresses, lack of sleep, need for wine, washing, chances of a divorce – doubled. In a hot country. So you are sweating more when you are muttering under your breath: “for fuck's sake". So my tips for going abroad with 2 under 2 are simply...
1. Don’t do it.
It would be like War and Peace if I wrote down the things that went tits up on this holiday. In a very short nutshell I’ll give you a brief rundown. Couldn’t book Elijah on to our flight as flights had changed to a different airline so had to cancel original flight and rebook, told we would be reimbursed, this has not happened so going through a complaint procedure as owed almost £2,000. UNBELIEVABLE. As you can imagine this was not a good start to the holiday. When my parents got there a day before and picked up the hire car, there were no car seats in it. Told they weren’t sure whether there were any available despite booking a car with two car seats, so they had to cancel and go to another provider which cost more money. (There is a theme here). I had to sit next to random strangers on the flights as there was only one infant oxygen mask per row with the airline we were flying with. So having to whack my boob out next to a stranger (always a man) was slightly uncomfortable but my husband made it better by shouting: “go on man, just get them out...” On the day of the wedding me, my dad, husband and kids got completely lost in the car and drove around Porto for over an hour (kids screaming obviously) while sweating in a bridesmaid’s dress wanting to bang my husband and dads' heads together. It was a fucking nightmare. And the list goes on. Honestly those tit bits only touch the sides! So as you can imagine if someone asks would you recommend going abroad with 2 under 2 I would say NO. I think if everything went right it would still be stressful but I think as long as you are aware that it might be slightly challenging and not go to plan – you'll be fine. And probably not helped that I was 8 weeks post-partum, hormonal and I'm a ‘bit’ of a stress head anyway. I think the heat as well, it wasn’t a pool holiday and they are still too young to be out in the sun with limited shade so when we tried to venture out to look around Porto with a double buggy, cobbled streets on quite a hot day – it was always going to end up close to divorce. But not to panic people who have booked to go away – we were lucky to be treat so well by all the airline staff and other passengers too. On one of the flights a couple I sat next to offered to take Elijah while I got myself sorted and the lovely old man put my backpack on my back which made me almost cry. And we can sit and laugh about it now...kind of. And it was my brother's wedding and they had an amazing day so that is all that really matters. Just well aware you can never call it a holiday when you have kids!! Even though they actually were pretty fantastic. Though we have decided to explore the UK (which to be fair isn't too shabby) for our holidays until kids are a bit older....
I said I would write a few tips to anyone flying with 2 under 2 so here it goes...
1. Don’t do it.
2. Joke! If you can, try to just have one flight each way. We had to do Newcastle to Amsterdam. Amsterdam to Porto. And same coming back. It wasn't awful (Amsterdam had a great baby room with little private pods with seats and a cot in) but having to entertain a toddler in an airport for 4 hours is challenging and would have been easier if just one flight.
3. Find out about oxygen masks so you are at least prepared not to be sitting all together, rather than having a meltdown the night before as ‘someone I know' did...
4. I know this is hard but try and avoid an early morning flight as it just adds even more to the exhaustion you are already feeling. Our flight out was at 6am so had to lift kids out of bed at 3am. To be fair kids were amazing but you are needing coffee on a drip.
5. If you are having to get up early – or flight is late at night, pack the car in advance and literally the last thing to do is to get kids out of bed and straight in car. We kept them in their pj's until we got to Amsterdam.
6. I was surprised how much food I could take through (thanks to everyone’s advice!). Packed lunch, fruit pouches (any liquids I kept in a clear bag and some airports test apparently)...we just packed some oat bars, crisps, yog and fruit pouches and chocolate buttons for emergencies as we got sandwiches free on plane and wasn’t a long flight. I would definitely pack more food than you think you need!
7. To keep Rafe entertained I went to Aldi and bought a handful of cheap books and also sticker books which he loves. I also bought an aeroplane book which I gave to him before we flew to try and explain where we were going. None of the new things I gave until on the plane. Also bought some headphones and downloaded some of his fave programmes on to our iPad. Try to limit screen time normally but in reality iPads are a lifesaver and would stick a 70 inch plasma in front if him if stopped him having a tantrum on the plane. Other people recommended buying some bargain toys/puzzles too which is a great idea.
8. On take off I breastfed Elijah and with Rafe we bought some milk at the airport and popped in his bottle and also some juice for other flights. To be honest we never had any problems with ears popping.
9. We were lucky the boys didn’t really cry which was what I was stressed about but at the end of the day if they cry, it is understandable and we found people kind and helpful rather than knobs.
10. As much as I may have painted a bad picture, it’s not as bad as you think it’s going to be. (Maybe for us haha...) Rafe was so excited most the time and Elijah didn’t have a clue what was going on.
11. Take advantage of any free alcoholic drinks on the flighy I wish I did.
12. Try and enjoy it. It's an adventure for them – and for you. Even though there are a few hold on to your pants what the fuck have we done moments.
So probably not ground breaking tips but if we can survive it and still come back married, there is hope for everyone. Oh and take photos! I’m all for living in the moment and may have wanted to wipe certain moments from my mind but I hardly took any photos which is a shame as was our first family ‘holiday’ as a four.
I feel like this post could go on for looonnggg time and haven’t even touched on other things that went Pete Tong while away, or the fact Elijah is like Rafe and loves a good 30 minute nap (if he has one), I’m going to be walking the streets for miles aren’t I? Cracked bedtime for one night at least. Felt like a Queen. Might never recreate that magic again but it was a fucking moment I tell you. Oh and Rafe has started to get really hands on with Elijah and ended up scratching him, although didn't mean too. So it’s like a wrestling match now when I’m feeding Elijah. Oh and first week back at nursery - guess who has a cold? FML. But will save all that till next week!
Till next time,
Flying with two under two...
My husband put it perfectly when he looked at me mid-flight and said: “This is fucking carnage. Absolute fucking carnage.”
To be fair, they were so so good but the reality was we were travelling with a newborn and an almost two-year-old, four plane journeys altogether - so it was never going to be beers for breakfast.
I was standing in the queue at Boots at 5am in Newcastle airport and some lasses were in a full face of make-up, hair rollers in their hair, while I was covered in baby sick and looked like Worzel Gummidge. That moment was the start of everything travel wise (planes and cars we left ni stone unturned) going slightly Pete Tong.
Just going through 50 loads of washing so haven't had time to do a blog post yet, it will come! In the end though all that matters is my brother and his wife had the most amazing wedding. And it's all an adventure right? Just won't be going abroad for a few years...
Oh Rafe. My first born. The one who made me a mum. The one who stole my heart and my sleep. You never asked to be a big brother. But now you are. But you’re really just a baby yourself. You took to the role so beautifully but you never really understood the ‘baby' in my tummy you kept pointing at would become someone who would take up so much of your mum's time. And maybe some days you do feel left out. Your face lights up when you see your brother but you’ve started to get quite jealous. And you love to poke Elijah in the eye. I read the second baby book, I googled, I asked for advice but nothing quite prepares you for not being able to simply split yourself in two and give both your children the attention they need - at the same time. That sometimes your toddler needs a cuddle so you have to leave your baby to cry. Or your baby needs fed so you have to stick on YouTube and leave your toddler to entertain himself. And when trying to get them both to nap at the same time will require the patience of a saint – which you don’t have. So you will all end up crying. And saying ‘oh flipping flip flip flipping flip flip’. Might have used a different swear word...But waking up with you both when nobody is crying and you’re both smiling at me is the best feeling in the world and I remember how lucky I am. Then Elijah shits up my arm and you have an explosive nappy. So sometimes we don’t always have #makingmemories moments but wouldn’t change it for the world. Maybe the sleep. Sleep would be good.
With husband being away and it just being the three of us, I think it has hit Rafe that maybe baby might not be as fun as originally thought. That maybe he has to share my attention. When Chris was home, he would be able to play/sort Rafe out. Bath him, put him to bed. But now it’s just me, although I have help during the day some of the week (thank the lord for grandparents), he doesn’t ever really get my undivided attention. Even when I’m bathing him I’m normally having to shout ‘it’s ok Elijah!” (I have tried Elijah in a baby carrier when doing bedtime routine with Rafe but I can’t bend down or lift Rafe with him in it – so any suggestions are welcome?!) So as I said last post, most nights I normally have to just let him cry, quickly bath Rafe, put him on my boob, Rafe has his milk and read him a book. Run Rafe in his room, continue story, put him down, back on boob, Rafe will cry...go back to settle him...run back in to Elijah...honestly the other day they were both having a cry off. So that was fun! But just got to roll with it. At least I have support near by if needed and know plenty of other people who are in similar situations - I guess you still feel lonely though some nights. It's not just about putting kids to bed on own, as many mums and dads do, it's the not getting to talk to someone after. To go downstairs and say 'fuck me, that was eventful!' and have a laugh/ugly cry about it. But the plus of this is I can still eat biscuits for tea and binge on whatever I want on Netflix.
So I’ve digressed a little...but Rafe has been getting a bit jealous. When I’m feeding Elijah he tries to climb on me/Elijah. Or there are times where he tries to pull my hands off Elijah. Or he cries as he wants me to cuddle him or dance with him and I can't at that exact moment. You forget how much of a change this must be for him and he is obviously upset/affected by it. And still so young. He has been so upset when dropping him off at nursery, hysterical. It has been awful. Have a 3 week break now so hoping he settles before nursery starts again. But his reactions and emotions are understandable. He was my total focus and got attention off everyone – now he has to share that. So I’m trying to have some time alone with him as much as I can. I went to the park without Elijah this week and had a couple of hours with Rafe, which was so lovely. And when I’m not feeding Elijah and he is settled, I make Rafe my focus but the guilt still lives on. But don’t think mum guilt will ever go away. I keep reminding myself that when they’re older they will be the best of friends, in the meantime Elijah will just have to deal with getting a poke in his face everyday...
Last week our 6 week check-up went well. Nothing to worry about for either of us. Though I am going to see someone to talk about the birth but will go into that another time. I basically got quite emotional when speaking about what happened so I know I need to go over it properly with the birth reflection service I spoke about previously. So I'm going to book an appointment when back from Porto.
So yes. All great with the little man. Elijah is huge! I swear he is going to catch up with Rafe soon. When weighed a couple of weeks ago he was 12Ib 16oz. Such a chunk. And as for me, I’m at that awkward stage where I don’t fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, but my maternity clothes are baggy, so living in tracksuit bottoms and oversized shirts - so the bird lady from Home Alone 2 lives on! I forgot how you don't just put on weight - you get wide! Going to Portugal next weekend for my brother’s wedding so can’t really wear Adidas pants everyday – maybe get away with pj's? Oh and don’t even get me started on how slightly stressed I am about getting through the flights with a baby and a toddler – think I’ll be doing a new post about that!!! Rafe also had a check-up and was at the hospital this week about his heart. Rather than 6-month check-ups we need to go back in a year which is great news. Thr hole is getting smaller and still not affecting him. And hopefully next visit the hole will be closed, but if not consultant said he would still go on to lead a normal life and will not affect him. Which is such a relief.
I feel like I have a million other things to say/ask so might have to do a mid-week post! Also waffled quite a bit but some days I forget my own name. But it's all fun and games, until someone shits up your arm right?
I'll be in Porto next weekend so no blog post but hopefully still be able to post some photos on social media of me relaxing and enjoying cocktails. HAHAHA. Who am I kidding?! The dream though. The dream...
Till next time,